Struggling with Recovery and Trauma

I feel honestly so behind on my methods of recovery I need to go back to everything I was doing to not only maintain my mental health around the holidays but all around improvements should be made to strengthen my recovery. I understand now that I need to do this every day because I've been in pain all day every day thinking and dreading the holidays knowing that I have to be around others when in reality I've been masking my sexual desires and depression symptoms again because I feel as if no one understands me anymore. my biggest influence in my life has been my mother however I've always hidden the truth about the extent of the abuse I went through with my father . but she eventually found out a few things years later mind you. but she knows not everything . I'm stuck on the time where my father took me and went to the store but when we were leaving he pulled to the side of the road took out his penis made me suck it and then came so hard it came out my nose and I puked . and while he was having me sick him off he was fingering my pussy while I cried and gagged on him . my father would have sex with his 5-8 year old daughter at the time and it finally stopped when I was around 8.5 after I left the abusive situation after my mother had found childporn on my father's computer and she suspected him of doing something to me and her suspicious feeling was 100 percent right. I know that certain posts don't make a lot of sense but I feel better posting it here rather than Facebook.