Struggling with Grief and Hardship: A Cry for Help

I have been struggling with periods of grief for over 10 years now. I have grief from the loss of family and pets. Grief associated with the loses through divorce (home, friends, dreams). I was homeless for awhile. I had a TBI which left me unable to work for several years. I live in what feels like sub human conditions to have a roof over my head. It seems like every time I get up and try to find my footing, I get knocked down again. I spent the winter stuck indoors with covid. Springtime means I can earn some income. Then in the last month I got shingles, lost a pet and then wrecked my old car. A wreck people are amazed I survived with just a few bruises. Here's old man grief again along with loss of income. Even though the vehicle was mechanically problematic. I could get out. Not anymore without being a burden. I have survived so much in my life and I lack gratitude for that. These events come with hardships (ahead). Not joy at being alive. For lack of better terminology I feel victimized, not super human at always surviving physically. The expression "God doesn't give someone more than they can handle" feels like it was a challenge God accepted for me. He's trying to see how much can I take? I don't want to mentally get up anymore. "They" will just kick my legs out from under me again! I'm exhausted, I just want to hide and be left alone. It's impossible to financially survive that way. It's emotionally unhealthy and mentally draining. I am in therapy. Have been for years. It enables me to cope but I want to use these superhuman survival skills to thrive. I'm internally angry all the time. Sometimes I think I want to die just so I can punch god in the face.