Struggling with Fear and Distrust After Sexual Assault

I have actually gotten a service dog as a part of coping with my PTSD. I also have schizophrenia so I am very, very paranoid. My dog helps by providing blocking tasks and crowd control so people cannot get near me. My dog also will check my apartment before I go in to see if anyone is there. PTSD is so hard because I have a huge distrust of anyone now, especially men. I am so sorry you have to deal with this as well. 💕

I was raped a by a man that was close with my entire family. I was only 13 yrs old. My life was filled with fear and mistrust towards all males for nearly my entire life. I always locked my house doors locks and my car door locks. It was very important for me to have some control... Especially when I had no control when he forced himself inside my body. Three years after I was raped and I got my driving license. I had a long talk with God... I told him that if I saw that person that raped me and if he was crossing the street that my foot would become very heavy and I would not hesitate... I would plow him down with the car and is have no regrets. Well that never happened... But there's time when my PTSD has me shaking and quivering... That I when I'm reliving what happened to me in that basement... That I scan through my thoughts in my head and I watch myself driving over him with delight. It sometimes scares myself that I've had these terrible thoughts... Then I remember what he did to me and the fear is diminished with excitement and accomplishment. Who knows... If the opportunity ever came around I think I'd follow through with my actions.

Wow, thanks for the responses everyone. I’ve been isolating a lot because I’ve just felt so alone with feeling like this

I will spare yoy the detain of what I can remember from my trama. I being a pretty big guy skilled in fighting use to get really anxious around women. Esspecially when I was alone with them. Even gettinf my vitals checked by the doctors aid when I go in for am appointment. EMDR has been a big help. I hear a lot of amazing things from ketamine guided therapy which I will be doing soon.

I can’t be near men at all. Especially older ones. No matter how nice they are or harmless they seem, I have this constant voice in my head chanting that they just want to rape me again. It was so long ago when it happened, but it made me want to dedicate myself to helping others like me. I wanted them to understand how important they are and how our attacks aren’t trivial. We shouldn’t feel insignificant because someone else has a more frightening story. The worst rape is ALWAYS your own. Your pain is yours… But then what happened? I dedicate myself to trying to get through this nightmare and move forward- and it happens again. Only this time- it was by people I loved. And they not only destroyed my trust in people- they destroyed everything I was. Everything I had tried to be. I’m just waiting to die now. I have no artistic outlets left. They killed me 5 years ago- I’m just waiting for my mind to catch up and accept it.

Yeah... It took me nearly a year to be able to be near men other than my father after I finally stopped being sexually abused by someone I had been dating at the time.

i struggle with the same problem, im currently married but i treat my husband like s*** and its not good for us.