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pixelbing

783d

i feel so BAD i ate over 1k calories today. i usually eat 300-500 like what on earth is up to me today. i cant even throw it up. i feel so fucking guilty i don't WANT to recover and im just gonna throw myself back into a loop. i want it to stop so bad - it's like its taken over my life. im not even me anymore im just a calorie counter.

Top reply
    • scrunklyscrimblo

      769d

      i feel the same… i feel guilty if i go over 300 in a day and all i can do now is track my cals and weigh myself, and work out till i feel dizzy. i hate it but i also… like it, it gives me structure and something to work towards… i hate the idea of recovery. HATE IT.

    • scrunklyscrimblo

      769d

      i feel the same… i feel guilty if i go over 300 in a day and all i can do now is track my cals and weigh myself, and work out till i feel dizzy. i hate it but i also… like it, it gives me structure and something to work towards… i hate the idea of recovery. HATE IT.

    • butterfly_bones

      778d

      I feel the same today 🥲

    • pixelbing

      783d

      this means the world to me. anorexia feels so lonely because i feel if i tell someone the same will happen to them. i don't want to see people suffer in this way. its horrible. seeing someone be so understanding has made my day. its like, as much as you WANT to eat food you enjoy, you also dont want to eat anything. and its a loop. constantly, for a day one side will win you over - the next? you eat a piece of toast and thats all. thank you for everything, man. same to you, im quite literally always on my phone 24/7. its my distraction from the hunger or the guilt 😭

    • Kaiiyla

      783d

      Oh wow, we really are in the same loop huh ;( This is exactly how I feel honestly, it’s strange because some praise it as being recovery or will praise you for things like this but it feels out of my control and as you’ve said, it’s not like I did this TO recover in the first place I constantly am still thinking of how I will compensate or punish myself. Which is…not recovery like some may say it is just because I went over my limit. It’s survival now, and it feels very scary and also very lonely. It consumes your life. Something I heard that was very helpful to me though was that overtime regardless of how strong this mental illness is your body is going to do what it’s instinct is to survive and it will end up overpowering it at times. You aren’t weak, and it isn’t about willpower regardless how it may feel. What I do with situations like this which have been more and more occurring as my weight drops is realize that although my illness is telling me not to recover, telling me lies and degrading me, your body doing what it is now is like it’s last attempt at begging you to do something and save it from dying. It knows your brain doesn’t want to let you do it and will sabotage it so it takes things into its own hands, which then starts that horrible loop of body vs mind. It’s not my fault. I have to keep reminding myself that what my body is doing right now is more and more proof at how sick I’ve gotten, that I’m hitting rock bottom. I’m valid, I’m suffering, and I deserve to be understood. Just try and write affirmations for yourself and go against the thoughts in your head even if you don’t even agree with them, I find just trying sometimes can help <3 you are not alone, my messages are always open too

    • Rayyybies

      783d

      I'm not sure how to respond to this.

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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