My Struggle with Autoimmune Hepatitis and Mental Health

Hi Everyone- my first time posting on here so not sure how it works I was diagnosed with Type 1 Autoimmune Hepatitis in April 2017. I was admitted in hospital with suspected appendicitis, however when they ran blood tests and an ultrasound scan it showed that my liver toxin levels were through the roof- it was terrifying, I was only 13. My abdominal pain was also due to a separate issue as they found I had a cyst on my ovary. However, the Dr's main concern was my liver so I was transferred over to the pediatric hepatologist and had a biopsy taken that confirmed my condition and I began taking medication- I was on a high dose of steroids (prednisolone). Due to the prednisolone, I did unfortunately end up with weight gain- as a child going into adolescence it was very hard for me- I feel like this could have caused me to develop a form of body dysmorphia that I still think I struggle with as I always still view myself as the larger version of myself although I know I have lost some of the weight. As time went on, I do think I was somewhat grateful for my medication as it was working well for me, my ALT (liver toxin levels) were decreasing to a healthy range and I wasn't experience as many physical symptoms related to the condition either - but mentally I do feel I struggled, I look back now and remember having uncontrollable outflows of emotions witch I just assumed was slight "roid rage", but I feel that it was more likely that it was extreme mood swings and the smallest things would cause extreme anger and frustration for me, but I did always feel extremely ridiculous and ashamed of myself after each episode. In the November of 2017, my physical health took a toll again- my cyst was causing me intense pain daily, that I later learnt was due to it twisting around my fallopian tube, I went back to the hospital were the Dr's made the decision to remove my ovarian cyst - I was glad they did this because from the time of them finding it to the time of removal my cyst had grown and was protruding out of my abdomen slightly - again making me very self conscious of my body. However, I did recover well from the surgery. In March 2018, I was then admitted back into hospital again with abdominal pain and the Dr's removed my appendix- I found it very difficult after the surgery to recover as it was my second abdominal surgery in the space of a few short months, it also left me with scars and my stomach that I still have now that I'm embarrassed to say make me feel disgusted about my body, especially now since I'm older and now engage more intimately, I find it hard to show my body to my partner as I'm embarrassed by it. After my surgery in 2018, I started doing well- I had the occasional flare up with my liver but my Dr's were fantastic at ensuring my levels were controlled even if it did mean changes in medications and frequent blood tests. However, I did still struggle with my mental health having my uncontrollable outbursts of emotions and not knowing how to deal with them- just masking myself to the idea that it was due to the fact I am possibly a "hot headed" person. Then in 2020- the year of the pandemic, I feel that I begin my journey on a huge downwards spiral for my mental health. In the February, just before lockdown my parents separated and I found it very difficult as, although their marriage wasn't healthy due to them having frequent arguments and lacking communication with one another, no child wants there parents to be apart and have there family become broken. I also feel like I am to blame for their separation as I do often wonder if the marriage would have survived for them if they didn't have to deal with having an unwell child. When lockdown happened , I was on the shielding list as a result of one of the medications I take being an immunosuppressent (Azathioprine). I found shielding extremely difficult as I felt I had all my freedom taken from me, I felt restricted of what I could do and I do feel that this is a huge factor of what has now left me constantly feeling so worried about my health. The pandemic also made me feel isolated and lonely and when restrictions eased I was still nervous and cautious about catching the virus- luckily I have never had it and I've now had 6 vaccinations against it too so I have done everything in my power to help myself and reduce my risk of catching it. In 2022, I began to I hate my job I lost all intest because they made me stop doing what I loved and I had to start working on the market and I hated it. For context, the job I initially applied for was in the home fragrance sector, however my boss owned two businesses one being the home fragrance and the other a food stall on the market. I was lucky enough to have found another job but I was still unhappy - I felt like because I was new there I felt I was a failure and I was unable to do anything right. It also doesn't help that the employers of the workplace gave me false hope, it's as if they sold a dream job but all I did was canvassing as a way to help promote their business for a shocking wage, doing the same thing daily become boring and monotonous- I felt like I wasn't living and I was just existing- as a result of this I started feeling extremely low everyday and it lead to me being depressed. (Trigger Warning below- mentions of depression/suicide attempt) In November 2022, I had to go to the hospital due to an overdose- I was treated with an IV drip as a result of a suicide attempt because of how low I was feeling, my Gp did help however as I was given antidepressant medication to take (Citalopram) and I also received some help from the home treatment team but I was only under there service for a very short period - I can't recall fully the order of when I saw my GP, visted the hospital and received the help from the HTT but I do remember it all being in the November. Heading into the new year, I finally managed to find a workplace that I am still at and I am happy in, I was lucky enough to receive the correct training and I feel valued as a team member there so I was feeling positive. Obviously I still had my down days, but doesn't everyone? Unfortunately, in March 2023, I slipped back into an awful depressive spiral. I feel like this happened due to the fact that in both work, and my personal life I have been getting frustrated with myself and that then becomes extremely overwhelming and leads to uncontrollable overthinking and fear. I feel in my work life it is because if I'm doing something wrong or if I'm having a bad day I get taken back to the headspace I was in at the previous workplace with the depression- a possible feeling of PTSD. As a coping mechanism, I did take another overdose but I did visit the hospital where I saw a mental health Dr, who said I need to go GP and get my medication changed to try and help with my low mood and they also advised that I aim to make self referrals to people who might be able to help me. However, not everything is all bad. I am lucky enough to have some incredible people in my life- for example my boyfriend, who I have been with just short of a year and who has been there for me and supported me in my mental health downfalls - he always ensures I seek the correct medical attention and that I'm consistent in taking my medication and I also have friends who I know I can count on to be there for me, but sometimes I do feel that having someone else there who is trained in helping people in situations like my own would be beneficial as I wouldn't then feel like I'm being a burden to those closest to me and being worried about pushing them away or making them worry as a result of my personal problems. anyone have an suggestions on where I can find some help