Questioning Everything: A Desperate Cry for Help

Today I had a meltdown. An anxiety attack where I could barely breathe and I couldn’t stop crying for about two hours. Like ugly crying where I couldn’t talk. I was exhausted from not getting enough sleep and honestly all that I wanted today was a few hours without my 10 month old. That got me thinking this bad oath of thoughts like “ I shouldn’t be a mom, I don’t want to be a mom because I’m not good enough. That I am just as toxic to people as my mother, that I’m lazy and my adhd, anxiety and depression should not impact my life. That having an hour of sleep should be enough. I was yelled at by my husband as he says that I’m spoiled. That comment just got added into the slurry of other negative thoughts. Eventually he told me it was ok and actually held me. That was all that I needed; for him to squeeze me hard. He denied me for two hours. Idk if I’m being irrational or if he is. I don’t know maybe it’s both of us and maybe it’s neither. I find it so hard to rationalize that I have a million projects unfinished because I have adhd. I don’t want to blame my short givings on that. The alternative is that it’s just part of who I am, I fail at finishing things. I know this is long and there really isn’t a question in this but I’m at this point where I question everything I do and don’t do. I even question my own motives like I don’t trust or believe myself. I’m in this downward spiral and I honestly want to be babied. I need it I think. I need hugs that don’t include sex. I need to be understood that I don’t understand. I need people to listen when I say I get it the first time and not repeat it 10 times like I’m stupid. I’m sorry that this is so long but I honestly could go on and on. My kind is going so crazy and I question everything I do and think