Trauma Dump: Losing a Friend and Dealing with Triggers

hii just wanted to trauma dump real quick about losing a friend recently! it caused me to actually take a break from all social media for a bit because it put me under a lot of stress. so a bit of backstory i guess, this friend has a bad history with triggering people, the first time was when they talked openly about self harm in a gc full of recovering self harmers, me included. so they have been quite the trigger happy person for about 2 years. personally i think it is because they only think of themselves and their minimal trauma because they do have a victim complex which is extremely prevalent, they also behave like a narcissist. now for the main conflict. i have many triggers, being in a household of verbal abuse and emotional abuse from a narcissist and then having a boyfriend who made me feel bad for even being with him even if we were both at fault at the end of our friendship and romantic partnership gave me a long list of triggers. my friend, over the course of 2 months, triggered me bad enough to heavily dissociate and have a freeze and people pleaser response to them. it was a painful existence, trying to let it slide because i knew what she would do. i realize now i should not have done that, it made me aggressive and mean, just not myself. i should also mention, after having my ed triggered by my mom, i told my main gc about it and said i need a break. i don’t recall the joke but she made one, which initially caused me to distance her. she was already at arms length when this happened, i am just dealing with the trauma. now, the triggers she triggered was, calling me a guilt tripper when i wasn’t, telling me to focus in an aggressive way (adhd trauma things lmao), being irresponsible with her money and telling people about it (being in a household with someone financially manipulative changed money into something horrible), and then the last one is TRIGGERING MY FUCKING ED. she knew i had an ed but still brought up her weight and said she was getting fat or something stupid. i hate her, or just feel angry at a person that i do not care for. sorry i am just so angry remembering this but onto the rest of the story. when i cut her off, it was after i told her “hey you trigger me alot, tell me when you’re ready to see my trigger list tomorrow.” this was after the worst dissociation episode i’ve possibly ever had. my sense of touch, smell, sight and hearing all went away, i was in the fetal position for 5 minutes just stuck trying to calm down and just wanting to die. she is a manipulator and i just sensed that that night. the reason i asked her if she was ready was because i did not want to trigger her, which was dumb because she never cared about anyones triggers (just pretended to :) ). after a day went by, i blocked her and proceeded to go through the process of telling some friends what happened. first i told my friend, (imma call her uh yellow) yellow what happened. she was immediately on my side because of the fact that the friend has already triggered her and made sexual advances on her. yellow then, 2 days later, told me that the friend sent a message to the gc about the situation. i asked her to send it to me and they did. the message basically read (i will say my name is caesar in this situation) “so things with me and caesar are going to be rough for awhile. he has been starting and doing some shit and blah blah blah lies lies lies” (that last part was me lmao, i forgot the message except the first part). i believe in fairness so i made another gc, because i left the previous one, to tell my side since she only told her side. i explained to them what i have explained in this message just more in depth because by now my brain has forced me to forget (which i need to talk about cause i think thats why my memory is shit). i kid you not, all of them said “yeah her message was bullshit so thank you for explaining.” we all had a group shit on her fest, telling stories of uncomfortable situations especially romantic ones with her and how she forced her way into our lives. i honestly do not feel bad about it, it was nice to air out grievances and simply just have a grand ole time shitting on a shitty person. 3 days later, she messaged me asking if we can talk. i said “sure but lets discuss the message you sent to the gc”. she agreed and then i explained to her that she only explained her side of the story, leaving out that she triggered me (which i did tell her!!!!). she proceeded to say that it seemed like i had no reason to be mad at her and that it came out of nowhere and that she was standing up for herself. then i kinda uh blew up at her. i feel bad about this part because i never do like telling anyone of what their actions did to me but i proceeded to say that she caused me to dissociate every time i saw her, that i felt uncomfortable around her. that i kept a razor blade in my room because she made life unbearable. that life was a blur now, the dissociation made me disoriented all the time. that my friend had to help me stop dissociating one time because nothing was coming back and i was stuck. i proceeded to ask if she can imagine to loose all of her senses and have someone be the cause of it all? i then said it is horrible. i reiterated that it is uncomfortable to be around her. that she was affecting me physically and mentally. then she (this still makes me so fucking angry) proceeded to say “Ok, I would appreciate you sending the list to me, but I've asked before what I could do about the triggers and you only said really vague answers like "communicate" or just nothing at all” (copy and pasted this message cause im still pissed cause she had no fucking right to say this due to the fact she has little trauma and dramatizes it to gain reassurance and sympathy.) i then told her, bro that was a fucking year ago??? i couldn’t write down my triggers or else i would literally trigger myself a year ago??? (messaged her that). oh i should also mention im freshly out of the house that caused most of these triggers so thats how im able to identify them. then she had the audacity to ask “what should i do now”. (she kept on putting ‘Ok,’ in front of her messages, it felt demeaning and it just made me feel like a child with an adult that cares little about my feelings. i hate feeling like someone is manipulating me and she always makes me feel like it.) then i said, no, just no, i want to go no contact. you have triggered me more through the course of this friendship than most of my other friends and coworkers have. i have distanced you enough to where i do not trust you and without trust, there is nothing so there is nothing between us maybe even less than nothing at this point. i have discussed this with everyone else and they are fine with me cutting you off. she left me on read once again, severing the bond she once had with me and 4 other people indefinitely. i unfortunately went through this a year ago with my ex but my friends turned their backs on me. it is so nice now to have friends like the ones i have now (i shall mention that my ex and those friends no longer speak to each other to reasons unknown to me lmao). i did relapse by relentlessly scratching myself and allowing something to hurt me at work but i didn’t cut so thats a plus. i just wish i could have a life not filled with trauma but i guess not :). i’ve had trauma ever since i can remember, and this will not hold me down. it has actually taught me to tell people who trigger me sooner so yeah, thank you old friend for being a god awful friend. i should explain, she only has trauma due to gender dysphoria and a friend leaving. (i now realize she was manipulative to that friend). she always wanted reassurance and she was always the person going, im so ugly :(. so, thats her. im done now. sorry for the long message