Struggling with Intrusive Thoughts About My Sexual Identity

i definitely relate to this. i’m a lot younger than you, but i also have bpd. i always struggled with the fact that i don’t have a solid identity because i was sick of wasting money and energy buying things to make one part of me happy but then hating it later. i’ve always just wanted to have a single ‘aesthetic like everyone else”, but it’s impossible for me. i also have ocd, which is why it makes me upset that i can’t just pick one ‘thing’ for me. it makes it even harder to live with myself because even though i know i can’t pick one identity because of bpd, my ocd gets in the way and i force myself to. eventually though, i just had to embrace multiple styles, as anxious as it had made me. i now have spotify playlists with all different vibes, not just one (music means a lot to me). i try not to theme my social media accounts, and i don’t post myself anymore (when i post myself in one style i will look back a month later and think ‘this is not me’). my room is decorated with my favorite color (which thankfully never changes), and i put more practical things in there to decorate. the things i love rarely change, it’s mostly just how i express myself that changes. so, i hang up posters of shows i like, have bookshelves for books i like, have all matching furniture that i can decorate in any way depending on how i feel, and i keep all my old stuff so if i feel like using them again i can just put some of those things up. i also have intrusive thoughts that are difficult to manage. mostly when i’m trying to sleep. honestly, i haven’t found a way to help those besides distracting myself with thinking about equally anxiety triggering subjects 😭 my best piece of advice for that though, is try to distract yourself. listen to music, watch a show or movie, try sleeping, or do something almost complicated, like homework or catching up on plain work (i don’t know if you’re in school). it is very productive, but will usually also distract you. and if they’re not too bad, try talking to a friend about it. usually communicating your thoughts to someone will help you see their perspective and maybe tell you what you need to hear.

My therapist has me taking a nonjudgmental stance towards my intrusive thoughts, labeling them as just thoughts and trying to let them go/pass without getting hooked onto them too much. It's really hard when they come with urges though, I get it. My intrusive thoughts and urges are more about self judgement and self harm. Also saying stop or no inside or out loud, I agree, can be helpful. Or if embarrassing moments pop into my head constantly, I try to think how I'd treat a friend so I'll say that I forgive myself and everyone has embarrassing moments and makes mistakes. Also, I think it's fine to be attracted to others. If you're in a monogamous relationship, then you don't need to act on the urges. You can also discuss having a more open relationship if that's best for you all. I can't really give more advice on that without getting to know your situation more. My partner is a man but understands that I'm also attracted to women and enby folks too. We don't have a polyamorous or open relationship but I have friends who do and it works well for them.

As for sexuality, I'm really starting to think we might evolve with age. I would have considered myself completely straight ten years ago, but I'm definitely not now. Nothing happened or changed. I just slowly started becoming more attracted to other types of people.

I have this issue too. Everyone who says "they're just thoughts" doesn't get it. But.... they are just thoughts, so even if they drive you nuts, you're not a bad person for having them. I go through stages where I have sickening thoughts and it used to scare me. Now it can still be bothersome, but it's not me. I'm not a deviant or a freak because my brain is a bully and shows me things it knows will mess me up. When something pops up, I'll sometimes say "nope" out loud and change my way of thinking with something that demands my attention like trying to remember song lyrics, making up a silly little poem or something with numbers like counting backwards by 3s or simple math. Anything to activate another part of the brain.

I feel this, I've always known that I wasn't straight. The more I've accepted my bpd the more I've come to accept that I'm pansexual. That it's the person I like irregardless of what's in their underpants. I'm also demisexual which means I have to have a connection with someone before I get physical with them. Overall I'd say try not too worry too much about it. Just do lots of research and find out what's feels right to you. Is your partner supportive?