Dealing with Relationship OCD: Intrusive Thoughts and Compulsions

he has autism and i have bpd, there are days where i feel like these things hit us a little harder at the same time- he will go nonverbal and i will immediately start spiralling, i KNOW he isn't talking because he can't, but part of me is convinced that he's angry and finding the right moment to leave me. recently i've starting having thoughts like i don't love him, that i never loved him, that he'd be happier with someone better, that i'm no longer happy in our relationship, etc. some things i know for sure are that i'm in love with him, and i am under a Lot of stress right now, and that i am guilty of letting my relationship be my only source of happiness most of the time.

Where to begin….the list is so long. My go to is always that he’s cheating. Which the accusation of constantly, pushed him to actually cheat. Now, after 3 years of therapy it’s more along the lines of him hating me for my mental health issues. He would love me more and treat me better if i wasn’t crazy. He’s just not an affectionate person and has been that way from the beginning. I just tend to forget that and the intrusive thoughts start.