Struggling with Relapse and Family Pressure in Horseback Riding

TW SELF HARM, GROOMING * * So i’ve been in the cycle of recovery and relapse for about two years. I’ve also been on lexapro for around the whole time, just switched to cymbalta (not super relevant) anyway, i’m an 18 year old college student living at home. i ride horses which is hella expensive and i try to be very aware of my privilege. i’ve been showjumping since i was 14. last year in october my trainer of five years (man, 42) told me he was in love with me and wanted to be with me. we all left his barn a month or so later once i told everyone. my relationship with my sport has been difficult since then, obviously because of that. i realized that for years my best friend (whom he was also grooming) and i had been stuck in abusive relationships and were being raised to be complicit to his desires one day, once we were “old enough” so it would be legal. regardless, that has been a whole situation. but the horses are everything to me, and so i’ve been working since then to mend my relationship with the sport after my number one role model and trusted adult completely betrayed and abandoned me. in terms of that situation, i have been getting so much better with therapy etc. but the issue was last night i overheard my mother ranting to my father about how i was disgustingly ungrateful for the horses and my family (and deceased grandfather) would be ashamed to know how i am acting. and i just snapped and had one of the worst relapses since 2020. that was last night. i just dont know what on earth to tell myself right now like i’m so disappointed in the fact that i relapsed after so long… i’m so upset. i hate that my mother thinks that of me because that is like my most hatred quality in other people. so it just feels like a slap in my face to hear that. esp from my mom. i have a wonderful home life w two parents who genuinely love each other- i’m very fortunate. i’ve never heard her talk about that with me. i just don’t know what to do and i’m so overwhelmed with what she was saying she was going to do (i won’t go into details) to take away part of the sport from me. not as punishment? idk why but i guess she feels like i don’t deserve it which is so shitty because the story of my life is me telling myself i don’t deserve things and then to hear my mom say that is the most horrible thing… i just don’t know what to do right now