Feeling Lost and Overwhelmed with Life

Struggling with Depression and Anxiety as a SAHM

Please help me. Things are getting rough. I don't know what to do. About 2 months ago I fell into a bad depressive episode that I managed to cope with until I lost my job. I was really close with everyone at work, particularly the father of the family that owned the place. For context, I tend to cling very heavily to strong father figures so he meant a lot to me and still does. Since I've stopped working it feels as though everything is starting to follow this downward trend. I got another job the weekend after only to eventually have to leave it because I hadn't had my first day after having been hired 2 weeks prior along with other issues with money and things they hadn't told me I'd be doing (that I was not comfortable/qualified to do) Since then I've had no luck with finding any form of even ACKNOWLEDGEMENT from potential employers. About a week ago I learned that my older brother was going to be moving a few states away by the end of the month. I'm not ready for that. I knew he was going to be moving but not so soon. These are only the main events. I'm very tired, I haven't slept well in weeks. I feel like I'm ready to sleep forever. But I can't. I can't leave anyone behind. I can't hear the thought of my family finding me and them having to tell my S/O. It's getting harder and harder to fight. My issue is that I have no way to cope. I can't bounce back. I feel like I've hit my mental rock bottom. The tiniest inconvenience sends me into a spiraling sobbing mess. I can't make decisions for myself. I can't think clearly. I had to give up a fantastic job opportunity because I couldn't even do the stupid math test due to how thick my brain fog is. And since that struggle was a bit stressful, I broke down and immediately left. I didn't even do the test. I have no interest in anything other than a few specific people. I used to love to paint, draw, sculpt, sew, craft and when I wasn't inside I loved going to parks and going on drives and just enjoying things. Now it's nothing. I never get the urge to pick up any hobby. I never get the rush of happiness and giddiness of a new idea or thought. there is no thought. not much anyway. Honestly I want to apologize for such a long post. I haven't been able to get in touch with my therapist. Also, apologies for any confusing wording of paragraphs. as we speak I'm in a mixed episode and I just need someone out there to please tell me-- what do you do when you have nothing inside to push you to move forward while everything in life is driving over you and crushing you because they're going so fast? What do you do when the hugs from your family are hollow for you? When you feel guilty for even breathing too loud near someone who you rationally know loves you unconditionally but for some reason you think they hate you? I don't know anything anymore. especially who I am. I'm tired.

being a SAHM with schizophrenia is hard enough without having any real support system. I just started sobbing because my son can eat a banana without any help (I know that's stupid, okay? I know.) so I went to wake my fiance because I couldn't stop sobbing. He just seemed annoyed. I explained it to him but he was just like "are you fucking kidding me?" He keeps SAYING I can come to him with my problems but when I try he just pushes everything I say to the side and starts talking about what he's doing. I can't vent to him, I can't talk to him. it's to a point that just looking at him makes me sad. he BARELY involved in anything. I have to tell him to do things and if he actually gets around to doing it he half asses it. maybe I'm being dramatic but I've been doing everything, cooking, cleaning, raising our son, being emotional support, being the punching bag. I thought he loved me? my knowledge of love is "doing what you can when you can and supporting the person no matter what.(unless abuse is involved)" I don't even WANT to talk to him but I have no one else because he kept getting jealous about my friends so I stopped talking to everyone. I moved to the middle of bum fuck Egypt so we could have a new start and he doesn't seem to care. I don't know what the fuck to do! I've tried caring, not caring, caring a lot, not caring at all. literally nothing I've ever done has been good enough for him. What's even the point? I don't think I want anymore kids.. at least not with him. he's making me so much worse and he's suppose to be my safe space.