Do You Feel Like Being Nice Anymore?

i've been a pretty free-spoken person for quite awhile. but i still try and be considerate in that i try and think about how applicable my commentary is to a situation. i think that most people, even if bothered by my candor, find it to be appropriate if it's well on-topic. i don't really have much in the way of friends, and i do not seek them. the two friends i have are distant from me now and i feel like every time i speak to them, i drive the nail further into the coffin. after i lost the place where i was expected to be moral, helpful, just, insightful, approachable, honest, polite, obedient, and whatever else, because even the endless distress i put myself through to maintain that near-perfect persona was not enough, i stopped caring so much about what other people expect me to be. it drained me of my entire self and i don't have much of it left, so i've rebuilt my values: my highest value is understanding (and not really in the compassion way). i want others to understand me and i want them to be understood by me. i want them to question their realities enough to find deeper understanding of themselves, and i seek to do the same. and at least some kindness is needed in that, especially when working with those who are hurting. but tactful honesty is more important. sometimes, beyond that, i want to go absolutely fucking wild. i want to be downright mean. and when i'm wholly alone, i sometimes let myself, even if only mentally or in talking to myself. i portray myself as a villain. i imagine smashing things, attacking people both physically and emotionally, screaming. i imagine hurting myself in almost comically violent ways. i know how to say the things that would hurt those close to me worst - things that would worm their way into their psyche as my trauma's done to me. i don't, because the real world consequence of doing those things, however fantastical, is too great. i am also scared of hurting anything. objects especially - an autistic asocial animist like me really values objects over people - but even when i inadvertently hurt those around me, i hurt too. this concept of a destroyer and an empathizer is important in my spiritual beliefs. they are the same being. the cycle of life and death or whatever. i choose to experience that desire to stop being nice (and to destroy) by actively being assertive, standing up for myself even when scared, and to speak my mind freely. i experience it privately by imagining what might as well be some horror anime. i temper it by choosing to value understanding others, including both compassion and blunt honesty, including guiding others to ask questions of themselves and their world, over something as broad as "being nice" - because i think initiating positive/healthy change is a far better means of being a force for good in the world than putting up a mask of passive kindness. and sometimes i just can't be bothered to muster up some pretty lie to make people feel good. i just exist. now if only i could do all this with less words, i might get somewhere on that understanding front ;;P

Definitely, eventually I did stop acting nice and just said what I wanted to say even if I came across mean as long as I had a reason to be saying it. It was great at first and then I stopped caring altogether. I basically swung way to far, so now I’m working on finding a nice middle ground between not speaking up about negative things and only speaking up when it’s actually beneficial to others. It’s tough.

Honestly? yeah.. just.. splitting on people..and not masking or becoming them... just being mean. and honest..