" Potential Trigger Warning "

I don't know how I am going to be able to do a relationship again. After everything and the most recent SA, and the event after event. I am so disassociated. I tired to poke around dating sites. some have seem more seriously interested. Then they had events happen.

I still don't know the depths of the.. Trauma. It terrifies me too. It didn't used too. I thought I had things undercontrol some how. After all the time processing the stuff that happened to me as a kid. Then the SA happened to me a couple years ago, and shortly after it was loss after loss after loss. I can't control the way my body gets scared or nervous. I won't want Innocent guys to feel I'm afraid of them personally, they don't deserve that; so I try to force a smile or avoid getting to close. Any new person I feel a least bit attracted to feels terrifying. I have been trying so hard to figure out everything, to fix.. me. To do the healing, or at least to try. I don't want to give up I'm so exhausted, so very tired. I don't want to go through all this alone. I know how hard it must be for someone to .. know how to handle someone actively working through trauma. It feels so overwhelming to me. Maybe I only see it that way because it has been so hard. I just don't know how to communicate in a way that's not overburdensome. I don't know if I can do intimate stuff again. I don't want to just do those things with anyone. And I have to try to explain to any people attracted to me, which feels traumatizing in its own way.

Even the thought of trying to feel trust or open up; the thought of trying a relationship and trying to believe/trust in someone like that can have me burst into tears and unsettled to the point it can take me a couple days to resettle. How do put that into conversation with someone that doesn't understand, who can't understand; but whom wants to date you? How can I explain that even I don't know what's going to happen or how my body will react. That I might not feel okay doing intimate things for a long time. That trying to teach someone about it can be draining and exhausting.

Child sexual abuse

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

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