Desperate for Top Surgery

Tell me your story!

Hi, I have just recently been allowing myself to question my gender identity. I grew up in a very strict religious household and my mom shut me down at an early age from talking about this kind of stuff ("mom, i dont think im a girl..."). now im 28 and living on my own, and my therapist said i was brave once i shared my dysphoria and related struggles. this made me want to do more self searching than i ever did before. i always feel intense guilt and uncertainty around this subject, so its been rough but...freeing. im AFAB and i finally realized im non-binary, probably closest to gender variant or gendervague. i use she/her and identify as female, but i dont like gendered, societal terms like lady, woman, and girl applied to me (hello dysphoria!). i also have chest dysphoria and sometimes feel suicidal. luckily i room with my best friend, and she helps...but she doesnt get it personally. i also realized im Ace and homoromantic. im scared of guys. sex-repulsed. ...now that all that is said, my real question lately has been.... i want top surgery SO BAD. i think itd feel so amazing to finally get rid of my chest and all the mental horror it brings. But surgery terrifies me, you guys. not really looking for advice, per se, but does anyone else feel this way? im real hesitant to check out the LGBTQ+ community, but i feel so alone and itd be nice to have some community...

I am ftm. I've been on T for almost 5 years and top surgery for 4 years. I'm struggling to much with dysphoria, especially with my relationship. I dont feel good enough and I just wish I could be cis. i dont wanna deal with all the pain from taking a shot every week. I just dont wanna do this anymore.