Dealing with the Trauma of Bad Parents

I had pretty bad parents. They were drug addicts and abusive to me, each other and my siblings. I haven’t spoken to my “father” since he se*ually a*saulted me back around 2015. My “mother” on the other hand… it’s complicated but I went off on her today, told her how I felt. The thing is I make a lot of bitter jokes about them and the trauma they caused. I focus on them as drug addicts who didn’t pay any attention to their kids unless they needed something. Truth is they weren’t always like that, there was a time they were good people and parents. It’s just easier for me. It’s easier to be angry to who they became rather than miss who they use to be. My Uber driver today was bragging about his kids and grandkids and I couldn’t help but wish I had a dad like him. Everyone I know is getting a second chance with their family’s and when I try I just get used and traumatized again. I’ve been filled with bitterness and anger lately so much so it’s infiltrating my dreams. I’ve already worked through my anger with them before several times and I just don’t want to again. I’m so tired.