It's so hard getting out of bed each day. I still battle flashbacks, body memories, and triggers. Because I was raped from 8 to 13 by a woman and her son, I have both male and female triggers. The male triggers worse than the female triggers even though the episodes I have from a female trigger is more embarrassing, shameful, and causes a lot of self-loathing. My mind as a child during the raped by both, created 2 other people inside of me to deal with the abuse. Both are female, so I don't really know what I am anymore. Because of the body memories from the first abuse and from being gang raped as a child, I loath and detest what should be normal, nature needs and feelings for what should be beautiful and wonderful body stuff. Just a lot going on inside of me, mental state, physical state, sexual state, and in my spirit. Sometimes I just need to vent, but I'm a lonier with agoraphobia and deal better with women than males.