Dealing with Betrayal in a Relationship

@Nal thats a good tactic as long as youre there with him in person when you give him what youve written so he has a chance to discuss it with you, if that seems safe enough. it's way easier to have a productive discussion in person, because tone is hard to read over text, but you still get to benefit from the extra time to figure out how to arrange your thoughts. i also still highly recommend couples therapy if you can find it, have you tried looking around for local resources that could help make it affordable for you?

@Nal as someone trying to make a relationship work after my trust was broken in a very different way, let me just say a few things: 1) it is never too late. If it’s a problem for you now, it will only hurt you, the relationship itself, and him, to hold onto it and wait longer, because it isn’t going to go away if you don’t address it, and someday that’s going to surface. If you bottle it up, the pressure will only build, and addressing it will only become more intense. 2) I can’t know what’s best for y’all, but your bf comparing undone chores or house mess with cheating is simply a logical fallacy. They are not equivalent, or even similar, and it’s both dismissive of your struggles and of the seriousness of what he did for him to say so. If he can’t even acknowledge that he did something dishonest, disloyal, and very harmful to you, that’s a bit of a red flag. 3) It’s hard to see someone you love crying. That said, what really happened in that convo is that you expressed something difficult happening to you, and your bf turned it into a convo about his feelings (about your situation). That’s not what a supportive response looks like, though I totally understand that it’s nice to see an expression of someone caring about you. I’m not saying it wasn’t a genuine response, or anything, but it may indicate that he’s in a place where he can’t see beyond his own feelings, which can cause real problems for a relationship. 4) Others mentioned couples therapy. If you don’t already have someone or haven’t already looked into it, you may want to look into individual therapy as well. If you live near a university, they are often involved in free or affordable therapy, and there are often other options from care centers focused on providing low or no cost therapy, to individual therapists who offer a “sliding scale” payment (which may include $0 for patients in financial need). It can seem overwhelming, but I promise you that having the help in understanding your emotional and behavioral responses to this situation, and how to better advocate for yourself is beyond worth it. Please take care and don’t be afraid to put your own needs first. You are allowed to take up space—no matter how anyone else feels about it. What you feel and need and wants matters.