Struggling to Heal from Childhood Trauma

idk what it is today guys, I feel like I'm gonna mg to have a break down. I woke up missing my fiance (he's at work) and then I saw this touching ass post on my timeline on FB, so then it made me feel super sad and just trauma euphoric; so I messaged my Bsf, and we'll my eyes started to water and I just feel so lonely rn. this journey isad annoying tbh, cus I know I'm healing but my mind and heart want to move on. I'm tired of having to make on but I feel like it hurts to stay with little me. she's been hurt so much and sometimes I just wish I could get rid of her. I feel completely bad for saying that but I just wish I could cus this part of me out. I wish I could be normal. idk how to make her understand. sh was never good at anything, she made life hard, and it's just time for her to let go. she's exhausted and it's making me even more exhausted. she couldn't wait for me to grow up, so I can leave her behind, not have to.worry about having to save anyone anymore. part of me like adult me can seem to let go. it's almost as if I let go of her I'm genuinely Lett ng go of myself. and sometimes I feel like that would be so great, but... I'll become a dark hole. I cognitively know that, a lot of the time I wish she wasn't born, I wish that I could of just been put on Earth as an adult. sounds stupid, but how can I genuinely heal that child in me? I know it wasn't my fault it was somebody else's blah blah blah but like why don't I get that get that. it should be enough right? it should be easy for me to understand and get over but what am I not seeing that's keeping her like this? I don't understand why I feel hurt ALL THE TIME. Why I'm on edge all the time, why I'm nervous all the time, why I can trust, I'm afraid of everything almost... I can't make decisions. I'm just so tir d of living in her shadow. and I know it all genuinely stems from my father who I am no longer around as an adult.... I will never kill a person or animal, I will smash electronics and ect tho, but I say that cus I was watching a movie called SISSY and BRO. I have never related to something more. Also Piggy wasn't that bad either her. but I feel like if I could kill my dad and the little girl in me that no one wanted, I'd feel better... and then I think and think and think on that statement and then I can't help but feel detached from both ppl. I know there's only one me in the world and I'm the best me that there is but I'm tired of being me I don't want to exist anymore not like this...