Struggling with Depression and BPD: My Story

hello everyone. I am feeling super low lately. depression mixed with BPD. a little back story. in March I left my husband on a whim. the world felt like it was closing in on me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't function. I felt like I didn't have a choice my brain was telling me I HAD to leave. I ended up making a friend- literally no romantic feelings were involved- but we would enjoy each other's company every once in a while. things got messy (still no feelings on my behalf but he was co trolling and possessive even though we made it clear we were just friends). July 1st we had a huge fight. screaming match in the middle of the street. cursing. yelling. when I got in my car it hit me. I wanted to be home. this is not the life I wanted to live. I am NOT that person. I went to my husband and told him everything and told him I wanted to be back home. I laid it out on the table and gave him an out. I would have completely understood if he didn't want to take me back. he did. but now our relationship is super rocky. I expected that. I didn't think he was going to forgive and forget. but his depression is bringing me way down. I sometimes have the feeling that I want to run again but then quickly remember why I don't. I do truly love him. none of this makes sense to people who aren't like me. and I find it hard to explain the way I felt when I had to go or had to come back. I've spent the last 4- almost 5 months- uncontrollably crying. I hate feeling alone. idk I know this was a long post. so if you stuck with it. thanks for reading. I just thought maybe putting this out there will help me come back from the edge a little bit. I need my marriage to work. but I also need to feel like this thing that happened isn't held over my head forever. I regret whole heartdly the whole thing. I am disgusted with myself for doing it. Idk. trying to forgive myself I guess.