Coping with Mental Illness and Abuse: Seeking Help and Love

first time posting . I know all the answers I know what to do I know what to do to make myself happy ... I am 25 years old and spent a life of psyical abuse and mental abuse and sexual abuse . both at school and at home . both my brothers and my dad and mom have mental problems at first I felt like the only adult in the family . I had to cope when I had no choice idk how I made it but I did . 2 sucidal attempts along the way . I've gown use to my mental illnesses . I always realize my actions after I done them but didn't realize what I was doing while I was doing it . when I'm manic I have no money. when I have psychosis I feel like God hates me and I have ideas that makes no sense to other people but me . when I have skypizaphina I deal with paranoia and seeing things and anxiety and deal with the thoughts that make no sense enough to drive anyone crazy . when I experience bpd I sleep with every tom dick and hairy and deal with feeling abandonedment by my mom and have sucidal ideation . I want help . I want love . I want happiness . I depend on anti depressants and psychotics drugs to do all that . last night I called 911 . I been feeling sucidal since Monday . now is Saturday . I made a plan . I recorded a video . I've cried and listened to depressing music to soothe my black soul . reasons ? I have no life . my car got repo I lost my job now am on SSI though 841 dollars a month . my mom won't let me move out with a man or get married she controls my money and she holds that over my head she says if if I have a child she will drown it and that I will let it die . my psyical heath is not so great I have PCOS chronic UTIs Spina bifida heart problems over weight a blocked tube in my brain and I might be in a wheelchair when I'm older . etc here's my question . what are your all coping strategies ? I have a serious addiction to nicotine . have since I was 16 . if you all want tell me your story's . let me know I'm not alone . who fights psychosis who fights bbd who fights skipizaphina and bipolar disorder . anxiety OCD PTSD etc. . what would you do if you was me ? peace .. and much love . bunni