Coping with Loss and Conflicting Emotions

Firstly, I want to apologize for my inactivity on this app. Between battling a deep depressive episode and juggling issues in my personal life, I haven't felt too inspired to use my phone. I've mostly been using Instagram as a distraction. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow, which has my stomach in knots. The next day, I'm going to our local Strawberry Festival, which is both exciting and completely nerve-wracking. I'm hoping I don't ruin it for everyone. That's sort of my reputation at this point. I've also been stuck in a spiral of conflicting emotions. I've been coping with the death of my turtle, while also trying to celebrate the arrival of our new puppy. Sometimes - well, most of the time - I feel bad for laughing at and loving on the puppy; it feels like I'm betraying my turtle. I know she's dead, but it still feels wrong. Not to mention, the jerks who mow our lawn somehow managed to unearth her body (how bad do you have to be at mowing grass to dig up a grave?), and holding her hardened body and seeing her eyes had rotted out was incredibly traumatizing. When I cried, my mom said, "I know you're not crying over a little turtle". I guess the way I silently sulked to my room made her realize how deep of a cut that was, since she did eventually come in and try to comfort me. My thoughts have been pretty morbid since Franklynn's passing. It just stirred up all those existential thoughts that make you genuinely wonder if life is meaningless. Some people say you'll be honored, but only for a generation or two. Nobody will remember us in the long-run. I guess avoidance has been my way of dealing with these things...