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Coping with an Alcoholic Dad: Need Advice

dannyimprego

745d

does anyone have any advice on coping with an alcoholic dad? i feel like i’ve hated him my whole life and every time i start to feel guilty, he just reminds me why i hate him again. it’s so embarrassing to have people over at my house and stuff too bc i know he’ll be drunk and it’ll be obvious he is. everyone else in my family hates how much he drinks and he knows, but he doesn’t stop or even put in the effort to. even though my parents are still together, they constantly fight multiple times a day and my mom talks to me about how much she hates him. i’m pretty sure the only reason they are still together is because my dad is the main source of income and my mom makes minimum wage and she’s completely dependent on him. i just wish they’d separate so at least there’d be less fighting, but i know that won’t happen.

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Anxiety (Including GAD)

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    • aL_ee_Eff2430

      745d

      Alcoholism is an illness. Unlike ours…his is visible when he reaches a certain point. (He sounds like my grandpa.) My mom resented her dad her whole life until he was dying…then she wanted nothing but his approval and love. He ended up going into cardiac arrest on Christmas Day in our driveway and “died”…they revived him but he was brain dead at that point so my mom had to make the decision to pull the plug on her alcoholic dad. It was like watching him die twice. She lives with the guilt every day (and his dog). Basically what I’m trying to say is don’t be a Linda. Don’t be like my mother who held my grandfathers illness against him. He was born in a different time. He was drafted and fought in the war. What war vet didn’t come back with PTSD?! They didn’t talk about mental health then…shit we still hardly discuss it!!! They dealt with trauma by drinking.

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    • Woo

      745d

      I lived this exact life and have a lot of advice for it in retrospect. Melody Beattie has a lot of books on co dependency and that’s the most important thing to figure out first. Your dad is a co dependent and your mom is an enabler. You may be one or the other as well cuz it’s a learned behavior. You can break the generational trauma by learning how to set healthy boundaries.

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      • MooieModer

        744d

        @Woo going to CODA and ACOA meetings reading Melody's book Codependant No More were all key helps. In the end, the last five years of my mom's life i had no contact no communication with her. Due to her alcoholism and the choices she made rooted in that and the decisions I made for a healthier life that is just the way it went. Life is about choices. We chose different paths and the events played out the way they did as a result of our opposite choices. It was the healthiest path for my well being and her choices are hers and her responsibility. When there is a diseased branch on a tree, the orchard keeper cuts off that branch and burns it. Did she ever get it together in those last years? I have no idea. But I have gotten myself into a much healthier or at least healthier pursuing family of choice. That makes it all worth it.

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    • aL_ee_Eff2430

      745d

      Alcoholism is an illness. Unlike ours…his is visible when he reaches a certain point. (He sounds like my grandpa.) My mom resented her dad her whole life until he was dying…then she wanted nothing but his approval and love. He ended up going into cardiac arrest on Christmas Day in our driveway and “died”…they revived him but he was brain dead at that point so my mom had to make the decision to pull the plug on her alcoholic dad. It was like watching him die twice. She lives with the guilt every day (and his dog). Basically what I’m trying to say is don’t be a Linda. Don’t be like my mother who held my grandfathers illness against him. He was born in a different time. He was drafted and fought in the war. What war vet didn’t come back with PTSD?! They didn’t talk about mental health then…shit we still hardly discuss it!!! They dealt with trauma by drinking.

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      • Woo

        745d

        @aL_ee_Eff2430 this is easier said than done. I have an alcoholic father with a fatal condition. I moved in to help and to try to rebuild a relationship but even with his condition, he still traumatizes me when he’s drunk. As much as I understand he’s from a different time then me, that only excuses so much behavior before you become an enabler. You can’t continue a relationship when it’s one sided and the other person doesn’t take accountability. To OP: Addiction is an illness and it takes away a loved one in a different way. Look into unambiguous loss. My advice would be to go to Alinon and read some books on codependency. Learning and teaching your family members about it and boundaries is probably the best way to cope with an alcoholic father.

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        • aL_ee_Eff2430

          744d

          @Woo I fully agree with you! she still has time…unfortunately what you described above is EXACTLY what happened with my mom and her dad. He was an embarrassment. He harassed waitresses and passed out in his meals at restaurants. But because we cannot change them…and only have little time left with them…we make a choice 🤷🏼‍♀️.

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    • Fuzzymonkey

      745d

      You can go to Alinon. It's for the families of alcoholics It's a support group. I grew up with alcoholic parents. They are both in recovery now.

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      • Woo

        745d

        @Fuzzymonkey I second this. They have online groups now too. It helps to learn how to cope more than you may think.

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    • MooieModer

      745d

      I had that problem growing up only my mom. Mostly, i went to my friends or had only my friends who were foster kids over. Not ideal but it was the only work around i could come up with. Most of my socializing was at school, or away from home like at the tennis courts or friends houses.

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☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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