Afraid of a Friend's Behavior Triggering My PTSD

CW: sex trauma, relationship abuse So, at the start of last year, I tried a new medication (buspirone) intended to help with the anxiety and panic attacks I have from my C-PTSD. Unfortunately, I tend to respond differently to a lot of drugs, both psychiatric and for physical health issues, than other people (usually I'll get nothing but side-effects, rarely I'll respond very well, and sometimes I'll have a horrifically bad reaction; for example, most antidepressants actively worsen my depression.) Buspar was an example of it going horribly badly. Two days into taking the new med, I woke up feeling like I was in a bad dream or like when I got paranoid when I first started smoking weed, but way worse. It was so bad at times I couldn't leave the house. ER and mental hospital stays, neither helped, benzos could not reduce this constant terror. It was a couple weeks and a lost job into this misery that my girlfriend, funnily enough, went "hey, I don't want to upset you, but maybe this is a psychosis?" I took antipsychotics and jumped into seeing a new psychiatrist and therapist, and eventually pregabalin (Lyrica) turned out to be the silver bullet for my anxiety as well as some of my physical health problems. It took months of therapy and medication adjustments to reach a point where I was not a half-step from a full-blown panic attack at all times. I've got huge gaps in my memory from last year, because pain and panic sort of just turned it into an ugly blur. But one moment from my psychosis at its worst has lodged itself into my mind. My girlfriend and I were getting frisky when my brain decided to start making her look like various men who have sexually assaulted me and past partners who were abusive. I pulled away and told her what was happening, we stopped, but I remember she was really upset and sullen about it. Probably 6 months later, after some unfortunate progression in my chronic pain and other health problems rising to the surface, she told me she was starting to feel like a caregiver, driving me to appointments and to get meds and groceries, having to pick up more of the physical tasks around the house, and working while I was too weak and ill to do so. She felt like if I'm her partner and she's doing all this for me, it was unfair of me to not meet the level of sexual activity she wants with her partner. I reminded her that we have an open relationship for this exact reason, that we can allow the other to meet needs like that when one of us isn't feeling well enough to do so. She found a few hookup buddies, I tried harder to get more chores around the place done while she works, set up rides for my appointments, and made an effort to increase my "productivity" in the sex department, even turning to drugs and those sex pills you can buy at head shops called "MAXIMUM RHINO POWER" or whatever to force myself to be horny for her. Another six months go by and here we are. Her friends aren't reliable enough that her "I want sex most if not every day" desire can be met with me only having to put out 3-5 times in a week. And the fact that I can see it, and can refer to it, as "putting out" probably says all that needs to be said about how well it's going. At the end of the day, it kind of feels like my hallucination that one night, while terrifying and unpleasant, was trying to warn me. Our relationship already had the early signs of this kind of toxicity. My brain was telling me something about her reminded me of my past abusers, and as time went on and my hesitation towards sex grew to the point where I earn most of my income through creating "amateur adult films" and I'm wondering if I might just be asexual at this point because I often want to throw up when I think about fooling around with another person. Not trusting my gut has landed me back in another super controlling relationship, alienated me from most of my social supports, and left me with pennies to my name and a phone which won't place calls, crossing my fingers every day I'll get more fans and assemble the funds to replace or fix my phone. So uh, tldr, I would recommend trusting your gut. I often wish I had done the same a year or so ago.

Don't be afraid to tell them how you feel about what they're doing trust me I'm just like them and if I were them I would want you to tell me how you feel about what I'm doing. Though I don't have this problem with my friends bc they're exactly like me and I don't believe in break a bond with someone just because they're overprotective. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful but try harder to tell your friend how you feel about how they behave they will understand.

I had a somewhat similar situation in which someone I was dating showed similarities to the person that had emotionally abused me. It made it hard to connect and ultimately I had to break up with him. I felt so bad because they were good qualities but it was just too soon for me to be around someone with them. It feels like sometimes it is just best to slowly distance yourself.

If your friend knows about your PTS that could also be a good way to bring it up. For me some random things trigger it and you could say that some of their behaviors are triggering your anxiety in relation to it. If they are your friend they will try to be better for you