BevBug

123d

My partner and I have had our first real fight recently. Several of them actually.

This will mostly be a rant and desperate attempt and getting impartial people.

It started when I lost my wallet and couldn't get a hold of the people it was apparently with. This caused a meltdown.

It's always been a problem when I've had breakdowns because my partner has always been bad at helping me work through them. They react so extremely to my negative emotions to a point where I just feel guilty for upsetting them and having negative emotions around them at all. Hence why I continuously bottle up my feelings. When they do understand that I need help more than they need to be freaking out about me being upset, they don't really listen to what the problem is or pay attention to cues I give. It always seems like I have to say EXACTLY what I need from them or they'll just make an assumption. I can't always communicate that clearly when I am panicking. No reading between the lines, no nuance, no reading my mannerisms. Not to mention the repeated reminders to them to do their adult responsibilities. Like replacing the broken mattress that I starting mentioning over a year ago and is physically hurting me.

It became a real fight. Partially because this had been our reality for almost 2 years. I did things I wasn't proud of, but I was just so angry. And they were angry at me me too.

We'd talk it out, make up, move on, but the wallet being missing still made me panic every time I remembered a new problem with that being the case. So we had to go through this cycle multiple times. Each time we had to visit the issue that they don't listen.

They took responsibility, and I want to trust that they're actually going to change, but the small issues that I've gotten them to take responsibility for in the past have been relapsed on time and time again. It's hard for me to trust them.

I hate ultimatums. And I have no real desire to leave. But I finally had to say that if I'm not being listened to and I'm constantly having to put my feelings aside, and disrupt my health, and put my life on pause when I get no reciprocation, I can't stay and keep getting hurt.

I hate that I had to say things that I know hurt them, but they needed a reality check.

Before anyone tells me that everything is horrible and I just need to end it all, please understand that this is just the problems in the relationship and me finally losing my patience. This is such a small part of the past two years.

It took two years to fight for the first time.

TL;DR: I'm hurt that I had a real fight with my partner for the first time. I know that things needed to be said, but I hate that I had to hurt them to do it.

Anxiety (Including GAD)

Complex post traumatic stress disorder

Depression

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  • sabbymer

    123d

    I understand what you mean and how it's not necessarily 'toxic' (I wouldn't say break up to this I mean) when fights happen. My nesting partner and I also don't fight often. We've both been hurtful and we're both discovering things about ourselves together. I really hope they understand because I hate ultimatums too. My advice is to try facing problems together. They need to stop assuming for sure. I have that problem too during stressful or panicy times tbat people don't remember things I've told them. I just really feel this and sorry you're goi f through it and I hope they start communicating better!

    • BevBug

      123d

      I want to believe that they will. I just don't think I actually will until they give me real proof

  • 4byfour

    123d

    I love you and your bravery. Keep listening to your needs first. I’m so sorry the tension it’s causing you right now. I was in a relationship like this for a year and eventually I had to break it off completely. I just…I couldn’t be myself without hurting him. And i need to be myself to be happy.

    • honeydulce

      123d

      same here. I was like OP and was in denial about it for so long and tried to make things work for 4 years. I do not recommend.

  • honeydulce

    123d

    OP you said you don’t want to be told to end things, so I won’t give you that advice. However your partner sounds emotionally immature and you sound like you are putting too much pressure on your partner. Your partner is not a professional therapist and may not even know how to properly support you. If you want this relationship to work, you should look into relationship therapy and individual therapy because it sounds like you both have a lot of work to do. If you both don’t address these problems, you will either end up together and miserable or break up.

    • BevBug

      122d

      I understand what you're saying, but like I said this is a small fraction of our relationship. You're right, my partner has issues with emotional maturity and I have issues expecting other to live up to standards they don't necessarily have. We are both flawed and do have a lot of work to do. But, the good in this relationship far outweighs the bad. My partner makes me very happy and treats me very well outside of this situation. Once the freakouts are calmed enough for real communication to happen, we are very good at communicating our problems and comforting each other through them. I don't want my partner to be my therapist. That's what my therapist is for. But, I do think that after two years together my partner should be able to understand my mannerisms and nonverbal cues by now and understand that during period of distress I can't hold their hand to figure out what I need or take care of them instead of allowing myself to express my emotional distress. I don't want a therapist. I want things to be fair and for them to make progress without relapsing.

  • Dillybop

    123d

    Don’t feel guilty for wanting to end a relationship. I’m not telling you what to do but if you do ever decide it’s the best option for you, it’s very brave to be honest with your emotions especially in a situation like this. You know what best for you and you deserve that so never feel shame or settle for less. 💕

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