Loneliness and the Need for Connection

whats it like to have a family you talk with and relate to and get closer to throughout the day? whats it like to talk easily and have easy rapport with your family? whats it like to smile and be happy when talking with them? i cant talk about my problems on tumblr any more the whole guessing and making new passwords thing is too much for me and maybe i should be getting help instead. also good new i got 13 prerolls. i need support tho fr and i hope some of you live in the bay area cus we can go to a park and smoke than pick up food. thatd be lit 🔥. im just writing cus i dont have anything better to do. i dont want to do what ive already been doing and right now im waiting for my mom to finish sleeping so shell get enough energy to go on our walks. we walk around slowly with the day and enjoy the area and try to talk to make conversation. for the past while that meant being honest about my bad thoughts. you know, the thought distortion (new thing i learned yesterday) and im a stress and emotional eater which is terrible but ive been doing it for 6 years -4years around thst time so i might as well admit it to accept it and to change it. i dont know what to write anymore. i only have one person to talk to and i dont really like them very much. but this person has been here for me to call again and again. and im grateful for that. bruh i texted my high school friend groupchat if they wanted to hang out and smoke a joint and i got no response besides a guy mentioning he just had e-sex. damn my friends are not my friends they are too busy to be my friends that sucked. i have too much worry. i worry about so much. i worry about shit. i dont know what to write about anymore. i wanna be around some girls my age and cus i cant get my hair done twice in one week ill try to do that with my family and hopefully i meet someone i can talk to in person about my family and grt another perspective hopefully without the manipulation i dont like that. i need help. i need serious help. i just hate how lonely i feel sometimes not having a comfortable enough relationship with someone in front of you and being able to talk and chill together.