Learning about my abuser's past

@Jai I'm so sorry, you were so young, that's terrible. I'm glad you got out and have parents who treat you right. That makes a big impact. I'm glad things are good for you. I am also 1 of 6. 3 different moms. Very different lives. And somehow me and sibs down have actually turned out to be loving ppl who want to be in that helping role. My memories are much different than my siblings. Bc, it was me and my older brother until I was 4. And then my sister was born when I was 6. My siblings are 37, (I'm 30) 24, and 22, and twins who are almost 20. None of the younger sibs met our older brother. We all had various experiences with our father. None good. All traumatic. I can say I'm probs the most fcked up. At least outwardly. I've struggled with mental illness since I was a least 4 (PTSD/OCD). They got started later except my sister (24) got it pretty bad. And she was pretty messed up for a long time too. The two of us experienced the worst sexual / verbal abuse by our father. My Littlest sis(20) did but not as much just bc by that time my other sis and I had opened our mouths wide and we're telling ppl what happened to us. And trying to get his parental rights stripped. But we weren't believed bc we were crazy and too mentally ill to tell the truth. Even tho he was on the registry. And my bros it was mostly physical/verbal abuse. We have all have struggled with mental health issues, all very similar. And only one of my brothers/siblings actually lived with my dad/experienced him consistently after age 12. He generally disowns his kids in some fashion by then. And then wants to be involved at 18 again when we’re all grown and mentally healthier so he can throw a wrench in our good lives just to be a piece of sht and try to exert his control. 5 of us have completely cut our father out of our life. And my older bro started talking to him again after idk like 25 years bc he is in jail often and wants money and has nobody. I don't know how I went completely somewhere else with this, I'm so sorry. I haven't talked to my brother outside of a couple of very short FB chats in the last 25 years. I do feel bad for what he went thru. But I really have no desire to talk to him again. I'm in a good headspace now. Granted he sent me down a spiraling road by requesting me. I hate that he can do that still. I'm freakin 30. But I do feel guilt. But then again. I live by myself in the house that I rent, I have a steady job I absolutely love for going on 9 years. I have 2 puppers that make me happy. I have paid off my debt (except student loans of course) and I actually have a good life. After therapy my literal whole life, 16 years w my current one, I'm able to cope. I'm finally sober. I have a good relationship with my fam. I have reconnected with my sibs after 11 yrs apart w no communication. Idk. I feel like things are good. And I want to keep it that way. You know? I don't want to go back. And I really don't think I want him to have any part of my life. My sibs and I have gotten away from our father. These shtty ppl are gone. And I don't think it would be good for my mental health or my spirit.

@Nae99 thank you.

@EliteLexy thank you

@PrettyPolar2 haha sorry, I write a lot. And thanks. Yes I agree with you! I don't want to take more than I deserve or too much. But you're right! Ppl take more than they should and feel entitled to things that they shouldn't. I lost my dedication to religion when I had a priest who knew of the abuse by my dad, and did nothing. And then kicked him out of church. Do you feel like you control some of your life and your future? I agree about the self-respect and genuine care for others no matter what you believe. I'm gonna have to read up on those people. I like what you're saying. I am non-binary, afab. You are right about that! Smooth sailing is def a myth!

@PrettyPolar2 I'm so sorry about your therapist. A good therapist is so important to recovery, in my opinion. I’ve had A LOT of therapists in my life but when I was 15 I got thrown into this one and it saves my life. She has literally been my therapist for 16 years. It is literally one of the most important relationships in my life. She has been a constant in my life longer than everyone but my mom. Well, I guess my stepdad was close in there. She has helped me so much. More than I could put into words. I am eternally grateful for her and our relationship. I won't even want to know where my life went without here, or even if went anywhere. Asking you out on a date is disturbing!! And the ones that don't believe you piss me off, their job is to literally be your advocate and believe you and do what is best for your care. I'm so glad your meds work! Meds were life-altering for me. Also a piece of life-saving. Eehhh. Unemotional 😬 a therapist's job is to empathize! (I am also a mental health professional so I am infuriated by bad providers!) hopefully, you don't get hospitalized unless you really need it. That is not something to joke about! If that is what you can afford it is better than no support at all! I hope they start to show some more emotions/caring. That's cute about your bf. Well, not the irritated part. I did have a partner, yes. I've had one “real” relationship in my adult life. I met her during my second month of college. And we stayed together for 7 years. We were married for 3. She was the best thing in my life and saw me thru some of the hardest moments in my life. I wouldn't do the deed with her till month 6. And she is usually a first-date kinda person. So I knew she was going to be patient. She really is the reason why I could have intimacy and show affection. She dealt with a shit ton of my issues. Mental health included. She visited me when I was inpatient in college and in young adulthood. Like the right after, aftermath. She was good to me for many years. She dealt with my trauma and weird panic attacks and flashbacks in the middle of intimate moments. It was def not easy for her. But she understood for those 7 years. She ended up leaving me bc she fell in love with her best friend (which, I honestly knew would happen since the first time she talked about him). And she said she looked to him bc she didn't like me on my meds and thought I loved our dogs more than her. We were friends for many years after. And then she wrongfully accused me of credit card fraud so I told her to fck off basically lol. It's actually funny I got an email from her for the first time in 3-4 years last night, she was asking for a copy of our divorce papers. But yes, for a long time she was understanding. It was hard for her and us at many points. If they're the right person, they will be understanding even when it is hard and they will fight alongside you. It was amazing while it lasted, don't know that I'll ever love anyone more than her. But it takes time and a a lot of patience. But it can happen! It takes a lot of tough conversations and awkward moments and tears. But with the right person, it can work and their love will feel great. Sorry went on a rant there!

@PrettyPolar2 it's awful when that happens. I was in a semi-similar situation many years later w my dad. My gramma suspected his abuse but it hasn't started yet. So once they found that out, they then called me a liar no matter how much I spoke out for the rest of my adolescence. And when nobody listens it makes you crazy! Did anyone is your fam ever go to jail? My brother has been in and out of juvie and jail his whole life. My dad was supposed to go to jail but instead he just had to be pit on the sex offender registry but for ONLY 10 years, which is so aggravating. Now I know once you are on you cannot be taken off. And that's how it should be. Your crime doesn't disappear with time, jeezh. Sorry for what you went thru, it is just shitty. I wish all these guys would get a reasonable (aka harder) sentence and repercussions. Maybe it would happen less. Ugh.

@Fldreamer I'm sorry you went thru it too! I’m working on the forgiveness. I get so close or stop thinking about it and then my PTSD flares up and I'm angry again. I am currently in one now and it has been a real long time since my last one. I kept getting triggers that led back to him that haven't bothered me in a while. Then he Facebook requested me and it freaked me out. Then I was convinced for a few hours that he was sending these things into my life to bother me. But am now fully aware it is not true. Not going down the road! No psychosis for me! And I know forgiveness is for you and not the other person. I just have a hard time with it. But I'm trying. I try to be a support to people that I would have liked to have had in my life. Spreading love one person at a time!

@SecondChance it's totally weird. I mean I know what he did was wrong. It took me a long time but I do know that now. But can I really hold him 100% accountable. I was 4 but he was only 10. Still a kid. He went thru hell, was he even able to tell the difference between right and wrong in that area. I just don't know what the appropriate feeling is. 😵‍💫 who knows