not sure what to do about my relationship. almost two years and nothing makes sense anymore. I don't want to let go but neither of us are happy. i really believed in us but all the hard work doesn't make a difference. maybe right person wrong time. maybe not because I'm also scared of him. he's not violent, never has shown indications. it's a different kind of fear. it's actually a lot like the fear I have of my parents. I keep justifying it by saying it's because I messed up bad and need to prove myself but even my friend who's going through something similar with roles reversed said it's still abusive. I think she's right and I don't know what to do. hes said he feels like he's abusive but it's just hard to navigate with our complicated emotions.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Anxiety (Including GAD)
Why are you Afraid are you safe?
Abuse comes in many forms: emotional and verbal as well as physical. If he feels he is being abusive that is very interesting Maybe he would be willing to get some help? Or you could both go?
hello, I am safe, thank you for checking. I do feel he has emotionally abusive tendencies. I think seeing a third party professional would be very beneficial but lately he has decided that only married couples seek counciling. He used to support the idea and I don't know what changed.
People deserve love, compassion, and acceptance from their partners. Some people call it unconditional love. If this is not what you are receiving then hopefully communicating your needs will help.
If you can sit down and have an honest, NOT HEATED, discussion about both of your needs and what each of you feel you’re lacking from the other—and if you can have that conversation in a therapist’s office that’s even better—then that could potentially help. If he feels he’s being abusive and wants to stop, I think this is a good first step. Hopefully that can lead to both of you understanding each other more and having better communication. And if it turns out either of you aren’t able to fulfill what the other needs of a partner (and what that means is complicated which is why it’s best to talk about with a therapist), then you can consider if it might be best to go your separate ways.
As an additional piece of advice, if you do want to have this talk on you’re own, it’s important that you listen to him as much as he needs to listen to you, otherwise he might feel attacked and it’ll turn angry. Communicate your needs, and let him communicate his too. Then hopefully you’ll both feel understood.
And—obviously—if that doesn’t help and he’s still being abusive, it still might be best for you to break up. Make sure you consider what’s best for you and don’t put up with too much holding onto the hope that it’ll change. If being in the relationship is hurting you and it’s not getting better, it’s okay to leave.
I apologize for the long reply, but hopefully it helps :)
Yikes…yeah I’m not one to have a say about what kind of relationship you have, but from what you said in this post, it low key sounds like a toxic relationship. If neither are you are happy and it no longer benefits you or him mentally, maybe a break from each other is what you guys need.
Another thing I wanted to point is how you are scared of him. Relationships should make you feel safe and comfortable with the person you love. If it’s the opposite, I think that alone is a red flag. Don’t feel like you should stay with him because you are scared of him. Even though you mentioned that he never done anything violent with you, personally I wouldn’t stick around to find out if he does or not.
If you also feel like you need to justify his wrongdoings, you can’t expect for what he did to you to completely vanish. Deep down, it will still stay with us no matter how much we try to forget about it. And you can’t also expect him to not take any accountability for his actions.
I’m sure you guys love each other and care about one another, but this relationship is unhealthy and dangerous. If this relationship is making you feel unsafe and has you trying to justify his wrong behavior, leave while you can in order to protect your mental health and your safety.
thank you for your insight. It's so complicated and I feel afraid because I think everything I do will upset him and I don't want to deal with his frustration. I think it's all very subtle and that's why it has taken me so long to recognize it. It's definitely toxic and we've been trying to fix that. I know I have many many problems that make relationships more difficult, but I don't think it's me anymore. Everything makes him so angry and if it's me who does, his reaction feels cyclical. He goes through a series of phases in such a short period where I often have feel like I don't have time to process and respond, he often has an immediate rebuttal and/or I am so stunned by the outburst that I don't say anything at all which makes it worse. He tells me just yell at him because at least I'm communicating. Yeah I don't know why I keep thinking it'll get better.
Oof I’m really sorry to hear about that. Yeah leave while you can. From what you told me, he also seems to be struggling with anger issues if everything just easily upsets him no matter how small the reason is. Even though his signs of abuse are subtle, it seems likely now that it could also progress into something worse. I wish you the best in the situation, take care ❤️
It’s better to be alone than be with someone who makes you feel like shit or even more alone. I’ve been in so many toxic relationships… and it’s worth it to be alone for a while. I’ve been alone for about three years now and I’m still recovering from a gaslighting situation.. I hope you’re safe!
☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision
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