Struggling with the aftermath of toxic relationships

i just wish the "adults" in my life acted less toxic when I was younger. or maybe at least take responsibility for how they "ruined" me in their own ways before I became the total wreck of an adult I am today. my sperm donor died about a decade and a half ago. my egg supplier is still just as toxic (if not more now). now I feel as though no matter how hard I fought not to be that same parent for my kids and I am FAILING HORRIBLY. I try my best but I keep loosing time/suffering from "partial amnesia" (as a doctor put it recently). i have been diagnosed with SO MANY DISORDERS,ILLNESSES ETC AND THEY JUST KEEP SHOVING MEDS AT ME LIKE THEY ARE BAND AIDS. thats all they are though "band aids". I just want to be the "normal" everyone keeps throwing around. I need help and no matter where I go they seem to not understand how I feel because I cannot describe it in a way that makes sense to them. I feel like I am just existing but not existing at the same time if that helps to clafify.