Struggling with Paranoia and Lashing Out

Zoinks

572d

Today is not a good day. Sometimes when I'm having an episode, I can become paranoid and lash out at others. I lashed out at some people I care about, and even though I apologized profusely a short time later and they forgave me like nothing happened, I just can't accept it. Mistakes are permanent. You can't take back something horrible you said. And I hurt the people I love. I deserve to be punished, but there's no one here to do that. Because none of them are mad at me. And that just makes me feel worse, makes me want to take it into my own hands.

Depression

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Complex post traumatic stress disorder

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kittycrime

563d

I do this sometimes, too. When I'm having a particularly bad day, and someone says just the wrong thing the wrong way, I can snap and get defensive. I always feel so crappy afterwards, even when I apologize and they tell me not to worry about it. I always feel like they're not truly being forgiving or they just don't care and are going to hold it against me anyway. I have to remember that not everyone I know struggles the same way I do with all-or-nothing thinking, especially in conflict. We all deserve grace for our mistakes. Even though they're permanent, our forgiveness and ability to learn from our mistakes can be permanent, too.

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kittycrime

563d

I do this sometimes, too. When I'm having a particularly bad day, and someone says just the wrong thing the wrong way, I can snap and get defensive. I always feel so crappy afterwards, even when I apologize and they tell me not to worry about it. I always feel like they're not truly being forgiving or they just don't care and are going to hold it against me anyway. I have to remember that not everyone I know struggles the same way I do with all-or-nothing thinking, especially in conflict. We all deserve grace for our mistakes. Even though they're permanent, our forgiveness and ability to learn from our mistakes can be permanent, too.

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David1212

567d

Hi, I think it's amazing that your family and friends are accepting your situation so nicely and not angry. it's not taken for granted. I had a lot of difficulty with my family who were very harsh and did not accept my situation. This created a lot of arguments until I finally left the house and moved to live alone. I understand that you feel your mistakes are unforgivable but give credit to the people close to you for knowing to tell you if it's not cool. If you still feel that you need help, there is a place to perhaps turn to professional help and therapy, it can give you tools to deal with the situation.

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- Zoinks
  
  566d
  
  @David1212 I appreciate it. I'll try to be a little easier on myself when I make a mistake. I'm trying. :)
  
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Struggling with Paranoia and Lashing Out

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kittycrime

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