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Navigating Relationships After Childhood Trauma

Hiraeth

690d

I've been in a relationship for five years now and I don't think I love him yet. Is it normal to feel incapable of love after childhood complex trauma? Does anyone else who has been raped or otherwise severely abused feel like a part of their brain just isn't working right? Like there's a lightswitch in there but the lever's gone and it's just the empty plate, like you're trying to connect and feel but you're literally incapable no matter how hard you try that that part is just gone?? Does anyone have any advice for reconciling childhood complex trauma and sexual abuse with having a first romantic relationship? It's kinda terrifying (although that feeling is completely irrational) he's kind and thoughtful and listens and he's good to me, but I'm still scared. Scared I'll hurt his feelings, scared my feelings will be hurt, scared I'll never be able to love him, scared I won't be able to maintain a relationship in person, scared I'll run screaming from even the slightest sign of even emotional intimacy or shut down/dissociate. Do these feelings go away at all? How do you deal with having intimate (platonic, romantic, or sexual) relationships after abuse? Any advice or similar stories or insight is welcome! Thank you so much for your time and consideration! šŸ„°

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    • Hiraeth

      690d

      Oh my gods, yes! This is exactly how the f my brain decides to process this!! You are absolutely 100% coherent, I understand everything you just said. So, yes! An seeming inability to form attachment. Or I care about someone, but it's sorta like a spatial impermanence thing (where a cat can't recognise that if it's raining outside one door it's also raining outside the other) where my brain can't create the emotional reaction because it's like it can't process that some part of the equation is there? It's like Error: 404, does not compute, and just gives up?? But now that you say how your trauma was it makes me wonder: My trauma was in part that I was constantly moved around and had no permanence at all in my life, no friends, no relationships, no home or family or school, nothing. The people "taking care" of me were. Awful. It was complete emotional neglect from the age of six until fourteen, sprinkled with ostracism, emotional and verbal abuse, and occasionally physical and sexual abuse. It was a fight to survive. But what I'm trying to get at (too circuituously, I know) is that these caretakers thought it would be funny to take away anything I showed any attachment to as a "punishment" (to feel power over me) It was a prison. But I'm trying to say that maybe the two of us are coping the way we are because we had everything we ever loved or could love held over our heads as something to torture us with the possibility of having? I mean, maybe that's the common denominator to this coping mechanism? I know it created a lot of apathy in me. I actually tried to commit suicide at twelve. I would absolutely love to be able to pick and choose my coping mechanisms.

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    • Hiraeth

      690d

      And a post I just read blames the amygdala.

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    • Hiraeth

      690d

      Oh my gods, yes! This is exactly how the f my brain decides to process this!! You are absolutely 100% coherent, I understand everything you just said. So, yes! An seeming inability to form attachment. Or I care about someone, but it's sorta like a spatial impermanence thing (where a cat can't recognise that if it's raining outside one door it's also raining outside the other) where my brain can't create the emotional reaction because it's like it can't process that some part of the equation is there? It's like Error: 404, does not compute, and just gives up?? But now that you say how your trauma was it makes me wonder: My trauma was in part that I was constantly moved around and had no permanence at all in my life, no friends, no relationships, no home or family or school, nothing. The people "taking care" of me were. Awful. It was complete emotional neglect from the age of six until fourteen, sprinkled with ostracism, emotional and verbal abuse, and occasionally physical and sexual abuse. It was a fight to survive. But what I'm trying to get at (too circuituously, I know) is that these caretakers thought it would be funny to take away anything I showed any attachment to as a "punishment" (to feel power over me) It was a prison. But I'm trying to say that maybe the two of us are coping the way we are because we had everything we ever loved or could love held over our heads as something to torture us with the possibility of having? I mean, maybe that's the common denominator to this coping mechanism? I know it created a lot of apathy in me. I actually tried to commit suicide at twelve. I would absolutely love to be able to pick and choose my coping mechanisms.

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    • Arctic

      690d

      I'm quite tired and will probably sleep soon, so this may not be 100% coherent and 100% of what I want to say. but! yes yes yes, I struggle with what you're describing SO much. I haven't felt like I was truly attached to and loved someone in what seems like forever. I just feel like I'm completely incapable of genuine attachment, and it's an extremely isolating feeling. I run through this scenario very frequently in my mind: "if everyone I enjoyed talking to and hanging out with died right now... would I feel anything?". and I've never been able to come up with an answer to it. growing up, I had never been shown unconditional love. it was always conditional. if I did something wrong, it was taken away and they would hurt me. when I redeemed myself in their eyes, I was given that "love" again. this has made it so I genuinely cannot comprehend the idea of unconditional love. friends have tried to explain it to me, tried to give me examples that they assumed I could definitely relate to, but I couldn't relate to them. like, "when you're mad at someone, you don't stop loving them, right? you still care for and love them, but you're also angry at them for what they did". I always feel awful admitting to such things, but no, I cannot relate to that and I don't understand that. at all. when I'm angry at someone, it's almost always because they hurt me somehow. and when I'm angry, I feel nothing but rage and contempt for that person. I cannot produce any positive feeling for them. unlike the people who have abused me though, I do not take it out on them. but I know that I'm more or less emotionally reenacting how people "loved" me, and it makes me feel awful about myself. people always say "fake it til you make it!", and I thought that playing the role of being attached to someone would result in me feeling an attachment with them, but that unfortunately has yet to come true. I'm pretty certain this is just my brains way of defending itself, but... hey, brain, there are other defense mechanism you could pick up. do you maybe want to exchange for another one?

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      • Hiraeth

        690d

        @Arctic Okay, I've done some more reading, which explained that C-PTSD affects the prefrontal cortex, amygdala, and hippocampus, and not just cortisol levels, but also oxytocin, which is apparently the chemical that humans need to form bonds. It's reassuring knowing there's a biological reason for it. My knee-jerk, ingrained reaction is to blame myself for it, like it's a moral failing. (I know it's not, but that sort of conditioning doesn't just go away unfortunately.)

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        • Hiraeth

          690d

          @Hiraeth Oh, and C-PTSD also apparently causes serotonin and dopamine deficiencies, just like I suspected (and my doctor dismissed). šŸ¤—

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    • Hiraeth

      690d

      https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/fight-flight-freeze-fawn&ved=2ahUKEwiG1rGihqX4AhVOBc0KHUxcBbkQFnoECFMQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2SF5zmrsq32wFqaxv5QyNS

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    • Hiraeth

      690d

      I meant fawn causes people-pleasing behavior. It's easy for survivors to fall into a pattern of relationship habits where they neglect their own needs, I think.

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    • Hiraeth

      690d

      I mean, . . . ah. I'll pull it up.

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    • Hiraeth

      690d

      Oh and I also have depression. Not true sorrow, but more of an absence of serotonin & dopamine.

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    • Hiraeth

      690d

      Yeah. Most people only know about fight and flight, but there's also freeze and fawn. I understood my C-PTSD soo much better when I better understood how/why my limbic system was reacting the way it was.

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ā˜ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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