Struggling with CPTSD and Emotional Neglect

Does anybody else suffer from cptsd from emotional neglect? I have a feeling almost everybody understands to at least some degree, because I think most of us have issues that other people have dismissed or ignored. I’m grateful for that. I’d really like to get along with someone who knows it the same way that I do. My life is actually kind of nice. I just really struggle to express myself, or even, recognize and identify my emotions. I’m very calm natured, I’m doing okay. I don’t know. I just feel like a walking ghost. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I’m still very empty inside. I don’t struggle with much else, really. It’s just that I don’t know how to stop disassociating, I guess. I don’t know how to be grounded and present, and I don’t know how to have a normal relationship with somebody. They only ever go like, 20% deep for me. I really struggle in therapy because for some reason I go into survival mode anytime I express real emotion, and when my friends express real emotion, I try very hard to be healthy and caring. What usually happens is they get closer to me, and I don’t ever feel closer to them. It makes me feel like some kind of manipulator, when that’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m just trying to get by. Oftentimes, when I’m close with someone, I never feel it until they’re gone, too. I’m a stranger to myself a lot of the time. It’s really hard to see that for what it is. I’m really hurting.