Struggling with Integration and Coping with DID

DID sucks. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stay integrated. I don’t hate or even dislike my other personalities. It’s just, it’s so much easier to function (now that I’m out of the trauma that caused it) when I can access all of my brain at any time instead of “asking” for the memories I need or letting someone else handle it. More than that, I want all of us to experience life as one person instead of being fragmented. But once something bad happens, i can’t help but need them to exist because I can’t go through anything without help anymore. It’s like, once I get into a bad place, I feel like I’ve already hit my limit of how much pain I can take years ago, so they need to be there to break it down for me so I can handle it in small portions. Maybe I’ll always be like this to some extent because of what happened to me, I don’t know. I’m just glad I don’t lose time anymore and we’ve made peace in our system. I don’t hate them or myself anymore. I just wish I could be whole again.