Haruno

95d

It's been a while since I've been on this app- I came back on here cause I've been struggling for about a week or so. when I tell my friends the only things they reply with when I tell the two of them are either: "Oh same" or "I'm here to talk." Not that these are necessarily bad things to say, but I hate it when they respond with this! When my friend says "Same," I know it's supposed to make me feel less alone, or like I have someone to talk to but it doesn't do either. I get I'm not the only one struggling- But that's all they say. Then change the subject. Maybe that one friend doesn't wanna talk about it? But it doesn't make me feel better when now my friend is also struggling. It makes me feel guilty for trying to put my stupid feelings/problems on them.

When my other friend says I could talk to them and tell them what's wrong it's a reassurance that I don't have to keep it all in! It's a positive, it makes me feel heard! But when I do tell them what's up they just say "Oh." It makes me feel guilty yet again for pouring my whole being onto them cause now they might be, concerned, hurt, ect. I love my friends SO much, but when they need help I give ADVICE, I try to comfort them, maybe how I help is VERY different from how they help but it makes me feel invisible. Could I tell my friends this? Yes. Will I? No, cause I know nothing will change. And the fact I've been struggling with depression for a whole week and I don't feel like I can rely on my friends hurts.

The only other friend I haven't mentioned I don't want to tell them anything. 1 because they're younger, 2 because I know she worries the most when I tell her what's wrong with me. For a whole week I can't act like my normal self around anybody because my "depression" has been messing with me more than before.

I feel so empty, sad, and useless. And what makes it worse is that I did something stupid, I'm not gonna mention it because it's my fault. But it has left me feeling like some kind of toy. All my life I've been trying to find my place in this world and I'm starting to think it's something dirty- I've joked about working in a St!p club or bring a sug@r b@by. But I wasn't actually being serious!

Last thing I'm about to say, along with the depression, I've been in and out of *depersonalization* at least I think it's what I've been experiencing. Like I'm in another place when my physical being is in the real world. I've been zoning out constantly, and forgetting things as quick as I think or am told. It's not all the time, only sometimes. I hate it because I feel like I'm just sinking in some really slow quick sand?- Slowly but surely going into a darker place than I've been in..

But for now I have to wait another week to see my therapist because I couldn't see her this week..Anybody have any advice to be able to make these horrible feelings go away?

*Sorry if this is confusing again, I have a lot to say..*

Low Mood

Depression

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