Living with HD: My Life Story

Hello. I don't really know how to begin so I'll just get to the point. I downloaded this app so I could hopefully vent and find other people like me. I, ovbiously, have HD. And it has almost completely ruined my life from the day I was born. Simply because of my treatment. I was 5(I think) when I had a surgery done. i was given a cholostomy bag. Which, if you don't know, in simple terms, is when you no longer defecate from your bottom as normal. I go into a "bag", that is on my stomach. It is kinda hard to explain, I recomend just searching it up and viewing images if you're interested. Anyways, this bag has made my life a living hell. All through my school days, I've never really had any true friends. I was constantly bullied and picked on. I remember every day at recess in elementary, I would spend the whole time on the swings alone because nobody wanted to play with me. And I'll never forget the time I went to lunch, and I tried to sit at a table where I dont usually sit, because my normal seat was taken, and one of the kids, out loud, said "Ew". right in front of me. And then proceeded to scoot far away from me just to avoid me. And what makes things worse, is that, ovbiously, not all the kids really understood what was wrong with me. And I've had some really embarassing moments in front of my entire class, that would be very hard to explain. I dont blame them all for disliking me. One time, my bag starting leaking, which happens sometimes because they stick to my skin via adhesive and they need to be changed over time as they get full and etc. So sometimes, they just happen to leak if for example, the stool doesn't go in the bag and instead touches the adhesive. Anyways. My bag began leaking in the hallway. At my elementary, the kids would line up against the walls for lunch and the teachers would dismiss us, line by line to go eat. My bag, of course, had to leak whilst everybody was in the hallway. My entire class was surrounding me, staring at me, while i was bent over a trash can in the middle of the hallway, dripping stool. I watched as the teachers dismissed all the lines, one by one, and all of the kids stared at me while they walked past me. From their perspective, it looked as if I had defecated myself. I had no control over the situtation. I didn't choose to have a bag, and I didn't choose for it to leak. But i still get ridiculed and bullied non stop for something I had no control over. Still on the topic of bullying, I'd like to talk about a specific person. Who i'll call J for anonymity. J was one of, if not THE worst of them all. Any chance he got, he would insult me, threaten me, and everything in between. Even assaulting me and death threats. He punched me in the face in the school library. He jumped me in a field and taunted me to fight him and threatened to beat me up, which he has done before. As mentioned, he punched me in the face in school, and has also started fist fights, unprovoked. He almost killed me multiple times. My middle school had 3 floors. The staircase, had a gap inbetween it, meaning you could see right to the bottom. While I was on the top floor, he rushed me out of nowhere, and pushed me against the railing and I almost fell through the middle, which more than likely would have killed me as I would have fell 3 floors onto a hard floor below. Okay I think you all get the idea. Ive never had any real friends. My entire child hood was spent isolated in my home because I had nobody. I remember arguing with my mother every morning before school because I was so terrified to go. Think about that for a second. Imagine being a child and being so scared to go to SCHOOL. A place meant to be safe for children, and a place to learn. Now, im sure all of us have been scared of the learning, but no child should be scared of school because he wonders if today is gonna be the day J, or someone else is gonna literally kill you for something you have no control over. Okay, so I dont want to detour too much, but I just want to quickly point out some things in my home life that made my life even harder. I've never been high or middle class. I always lived in a double wide trailer with my mom, and pretty much my mom only. Its not that my dad left the family. No. He instead, went to prison. My parents divorced when I was young, so I only had visitations. But when I was 10, my dad went away for 4 years, He got out for about a year, and its currently serving a 10 year sentence. Not having a dad in your life can really impact a child. Sure, I may have knew my dad, which some may consider better than those who have never met their dad. But honestly, I feel like it would have been better to have just never met him. Because obviously, I got attached. he's my father, ofc Im gonna have feelings towards him like any normal person would. And seeing someone who I looked up to, and thought was my super man, get taken away from you, it hurts. If my dad just wasnt around, It would hurt less because I never would have got attached. Okay, so not only was my father really around, I also grew up around crime and drugs. My uncle was a heroin addict. He lived with us for a while, and he would shoot up in the bathroom while I was home. Alone with him. One time he OD'd in my bathroom and I had no idea what to do. I was just a kid. I thought my uncle had died. He ended up surviving and woke up later, but that was traumatic. I also remember playing outside with my cousin, and stepping on a used needle in my front yard. And another time, I had to avoid the police. Yep, you read that right. A 10 year old child had to hide from the police because a family friend was staying with us at the time, and the cops came looking for him and he came into my room, and told me to be quiet, and made me hide so he didn't get caught. That same family friend also uses my urine to pass drug tests multiple times. Me being a child and not knowing any better, he told me he'd give me $20 for me to pee in a cup and I did it. Im still disgusted by it to this day. Okay, I've vented long enough. Honestly, my whole life has been one giant mess that I just can't pick up or clean. I've struggled with depression since I was just a kid. I've tried to kill myself many times but I backed out each time. Just to name a few more things I've been through: - Went to foster care for 2 years - Due to my depression and lack of motivation I gained a lot of weight which only fueled the bullies more - I still don't have any real life friends. All of my friends are online, and have no idea about my condition because Im scared they'll dislike me if I tell them Honestly theres so much BS in my life. I could go on and on. But I've gone on long enough. Thank you to all those that read this. It means a lot knowing at least one person took the time to learn a little about my life. Truly. Thank you, strangers. I love you! <3