Venting about my toxic family and mental health struggles

Hey ya’ll! I’m basically just gonna start talking, venting, and maybe even rant about everything that’s going on in my life at the moment. Please feel free to give any advice, literally anything helps. I’m currently 19 and was diagnosed with MDD and GAD last year. I’ve had symptoms since I was just a child but in an Asian household, it wasn’t really taken serious cause as they say, “children grow out of it.” Anyways, in January of 2018, my grandfather died who we all held close to us. Then, April of 2018, my family and I experience a traumatic event of a shooting that happened in our home involving my father and his cousin (who, mind you, were best friends since growing up). They were drunk. My father is alive and well. Unfortunately, his cousin passed away. We moved to the U.S so that we may start a new life and move on. Although none of my 4 sisters and I, along with my parents, were psychologically treated for the symptoms of PTSD we experienced. I was a junior in high school and was focused on school and my future. I did disappoint my parents by being in a relationship and losing my virginity. He was really toxic to me and we broke up but I’m glad I learned a lot from the relationship. I was still experiencing a lot of depressive episodes and whatnot throughout the years. From junior, to senior, to freshman in college, to now. My parents have unconsciously taught us dependency. How we’ve been so dependent on our parents for everything. They never let my sisters and i do any extracurricular activities like sports. But we played instruments. My dad would advice us not to have any friends because “they come and go and it’s a waste of time.” There are no boundaries at home. It’s just such a toxic and dysfunctional family. I believe the traumatic event has something to do with it but my dad isn’t open to any therapy. Trust me that my parents bless us with things. They bought me a 2020 Nissan Altima while my dad still drives an old and beat up 2006 Toyota Camry. We live in a beautiful home in a beautiful community. But the relationships are just not healthy. When I went to college, I began to learn new things. I feel like I’m the only one who has a good mentality when I go home. There’s always yelling and honestly, my dad would sometimes say some messed up things. I began to focus on myself more. I met my current boyfriend my freshman of college. In the beginning, he wasn’t really understanding and sensitive about my emotions and what I struggle with as he was raised in a Mexican household where mental illness is not really spoken about. But we have both been growing so well. He’s changed and has been very understanding. My grandmother died in the beginning of my sophomore year which took a toll on me and my family as she raised us and was living in our home. She died out of nowhere from a heart attack. She was healthy and played a vital role in our home. I got so depressed and was eventually admitted to the mental hospital in the Fall semester. I’m doing better now… I want to pursue pharmacy. I’m going into pharmacy school in 2023 after my junior year. My parents are telling me that I have to start pulling out loans now to pay for my education. They’re always so tight with money and stress so much about it. I’m always broke cause I depend on them for money. I don’t have good spending habits at all. I just got a job offer to be a pharmacy technician and I’m wanting to take it seriously. Build up savings. Maybe even get a credit card but I have to learn more about it. When I told my parents I got the job, my dad told me they won’t be helping me out financially anymore. I don’t know… To live years being dependent on them for everything to out of no where telling me to figure everything out on my own. And they’re telling me that I have to live with them while I’m in pharmacy school. I can’t do that. I can’t be in that toxic environment while in Pharmacy school. I have to find a way to learn independence and live on my own. My big sister is 23, a registered nurse, and still living in our house because she doesn’t know how to save her money. My younger sister who is 16, is doing shrooms and all of that stuff. She’s so sexually open and disrespectful to my parents. My younger sister who is 13, is an angel but feels so much pressure from my parents. And my younger sister who is 10, turning 11 this week, is still throwing tantrums, screams, and whines like a toddler. I feel like… we were just never given time to take everything in. From my grandfather’s death, to the shooting, to moving here and moving on right after, to my grandmother’s death… So much is happening and we all just keep on moving forward so fast… Anyways, if you read all the way at the end, I appreciate you. Thank you for hearing me out. Have a blessed day. ❤️