Struggling with Trust and Past Abuse in a Co-Parenting Situation

TW: abuse, su***de I made a big mistake the other day. I started a fight with my daughter’s dad over him saying that he got back in touch with an old friend, who he purposely stopped talking to cuz she’s a woman, and that she offered to help him possibly get a job. I then got upset that he never told me anything about her, cut her off while him and I were still together, and didn’t want to tell me her name or ask if I knew her at all. I got upset, because I didn’t agree with his mentality/reasons for cutting her off, I felt entitled to know who she was, or know something about her, and I couldn’t let go of the past. I brought all those memories of how he’s treated me in the past (sexual abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation, etc.) into this situation, and was triggered by the fact that he was so quick to defend and hide this “acquaintance”, when he had little trust in the way I handled my friendships. He would constantly say he was insecure and suspicious about me with them, even though I was very transparent with him and tried my best to reassure him. I instantly lost all faith in him. I felt so small and weak in that moment, I felt like I was losing control, because on top of all of this, I had an EX who actually hid important info from me and cheated on me. I believe that I was in the wrong though with how I reacted because I: - started freaking out and yelled at him over the phone and in person - guilt tripped him into telling me who this person was - told him that I lost all trust in him - threw my daughters bags at him (they didn’t hit him, but it was still physical intimidation) - told him that I hate him, that I gave him everything, that he’s never going to understand me - blocked him on social media (I unblocked him after he asked me to hours later, cuz that’s how we communicate) - AND I did this all while he was picking up our daughter - AND later I explained to him why I did what I did and told him that I wish he could try to understand me more At the end of it all, he and I apologized and I’m civil with him again. But he felt like he didn’t deserve to be treated that way and was afraid that I was going to limit his contact with his daughter. If I was more calm in the situation, I would have just let my suspicions go, politely tell him that I felt anxious and insecure about this person, and not guilt trip him or throw stuff at him. The only reason why I don’t 100% regret what I did, was because ever since I broke up with him (4 weeks ago) he’s been constantly guilt tripping me, tried to send himself nudes of me without my consent, tried to physically force me to kiss him once, and said that I was being “unreasonable and unpredictable” and “making his life harder” for breaking up with him. I’ve even given him ultimatums and explanations about breaking up with him, for years. Thankfully now (and hopefully forever) he will leave me alone and just stay as co-parents. It hurts because I also wish him and I could stay friends, but I know for sure I can’t handle being close to him. I think his past abuse towards me gave me some more PTSD. I know I also gave him trauma/PTSD for attempting suicide twice. I know him and I are never gunna be the same. My daughter is safe with her dads side of the family and mine, but I know I have to do better.