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Kaiiyla

851d

Tw/// I’ve restricted heavily today, and have been quite obsessive with food but it’s gotten to point I cry over it all the time, cry over being asked to eat cry over looking at food I’ve been so sensitive lately and I’ve been diagnosed by my therapist, I know how sick I am and can get, but I swear any time I’m out with friends and I end up orderly something just to keep myself from falling over and I eat some of it…I feel like I’m not valid anymore. The diagnosis isn’t true, I’m not actually struggling, I’m a liar. That’s the thoughts that go in my head if I order something that would slightly be considered a meal, and I forced myself to eat some of it. I’m not sure if anyone deals with this but it truly makes me miserable and I always feel like I’m just faking it all the time literally any time I try to eat ANYTHING really, something I consider “too much” or something that broke my restriction it’s like oh..guess I never struggled to begin with I must be lying ahh it’s really weird and I’m sorry if my words are all over the place. I really don’t know how to cope with feeling such internal conflict about such a competitive disorder and never feeling like I deserve to say I have a problem

    • Soskae

      851d

      I think I get what you mean! Tell me if I’m wrong but the pride I get from eating little to nothing it really upsets me. I used to restrict so much I was eating a snack size bag of chips a day and nothing else and because of my extreme nausea (still don’t know what causes it but most likely anxiety) and I wasn’t losing weight due to an extreme case of hypothyroidism I genuinely thought what I was doing was healthy and necessary for my body. Now since I’ve been on thyroid medication and antidepressants my weight is dropping and I’m eating a normal amount. Regardless of my knowledge of those two things I still get excited when I feel like I ate less than normal or everyone around me. I used to refuse to eat infront of people because I genuinely thought that skinny people seeing a fat person would be repulsive. Because I never lost weight on my 200 calorie diet I absolutely could not believe I had an eating disorder or that my feelings of exhaustion a nutritional deficiency was in my head and I was just attention seeking. I’m sure you can imagine that after many drugs and tons of professional help I now can eat infront of people, I eat multiple meals a day and I don’t have to justify every morsel to myself. I still feel excitement from old, unhealthy ideas but they are no longer habits! If this has nothing to do with what you said I’m extremely sorry but if it was even remotely relevant I hope it helps! Feel free to message me!

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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