Struggling with Internal Conflict about my Eating Disorder

I think I get what you mean! Tell me if I’m wrong but the pride I get from eating little to nothing it really upsets me. I used to restrict so much I was eating a snack size bag of chips a day and nothing else and because of my extreme nausea (still don’t know what causes it but most likely anxiety) and I wasn’t losing weight due to an extreme case of hypothyroidism I genuinely thought what I was doing was healthy and necessary for my body. Now since I’ve been on thyroid medication and antidepressants my weight is dropping and I’m eating a normal amount. Regardless of my knowledge of those two things I still get excited when I feel like I ate less than normal or everyone around me. I used to refuse to eat infront of people because I genuinely thought that skinny people seeing a fat person would be repulsive. Because I never lost weight on my 200 calorie diet I absolutely could not believe I had an eating disorder or that my feelings of exhaustion a nutritional deficiency was in my head and I was just attention seeking. I’m sure you can imagine that after many drugs and tons of professional help I now can eat infront of people, I eat multiple meals a day and I don’t have to justify every morsel to myself. I still feel excitement from old, unhealthy ideas but they are no longer habits! If this has nothing to do with what you said I’m extremely sorry but if it was even remotely relevant I hope it helps! Feel free to message me!