Struggling with Grief and Mental Health

someone I love deeply passed away last November. usually, I'd take any opportunity I could to go get loaded and flush my life away, but this time I tried my hardest to stay stable for my family. Instead, I started isolating, restricting food and over-exercising, fell back into self-harm habits and began hearing voices and believing delusions. Life is relatively stable, but I can tell I'm about to bottom out. I cry for two hours at the same time every day, and spend most of my energy ignoring intrusive thoughts and maintaining a socially positive mask at work. In order to keep what progress I've made, I feel like I should go to outpatient therapy, or to AA, but anytime I have the chance to tell someone what's going on, I have no idea what to say and feel my words have no weight, like it'd be better to say nothing at all. I can't keep my job and go to outpatient therapy at the same time, but I've been running on empty for 6 months, and I'm about to be home alone with some bottles next week. I'm scared that I'm going to choose to throw my sobriety away. I just wanted to write this out and put it somewhere.