Struggling with the aftermath of physical punishment

I think I’m either depressed or am having anxiety or something right now. You know how a lot of parents try to use some sort of punishment to keep kids from acting out all the time? My parents did a lot of physical punishments that were perfectly legal, but I never associated the punishments with things I wasn’t supposed to be doing… I always though they were just punishing me because I wasn’t good enough… I always was worried that if I did something wrong I would get hurt in some way or form, so I became very shy and have never really been able to express my feelings very well verbally. Every once and a while I feel like I’m going to start crying when I think about it. I don’t think my parents would understand even if I was able to actually talk to them about it. My parents also felt like they had the right to punish me while I was having panic attacks in high school because they thought it was a form of “acting out” and always were saying things like, “stop acting like a child,” and “why can’t you just control yourself.” 😔 it’s a lot better now I was finally able to talk to them about why they shouldn’t hose someone down with water because they’re having a panic attack last year, but I feel just overcome by a wave of sadness when I think about it… I guess it’ll get better with time…