My Struggle with Eating Disorders

I think I’ve had an eating disorder for the past couple of years. I haven’t talked to my therapist about because I haven’t had one since COVID started. It’s one of those things where I want to want to get better but I don’t think I actually want to get better. I hate the part of me that considers gaining weight a disgusting thing. And I hate that I do this to myself because it’s so hard. It’s like I’ll recognize that I’m hungry and that my body wants to eat but my brain won’t let me. I don’t have an appetite anymore, nothing sounds or looks appealing and when I actually try to eat, I get full so fast and I binge until I feel like shit. My friend told me about how he had seen my back one time and how scared he got because of how prominent my ribs and spine were. He said he wasn’t going to tell me at first because he didn’t want to hurt me. I felt like dying when he told me.