Feeling Stuck: The Burden of a Plan

Does anyone else feel… stuck? I’ve realized that, for the first time in my life, I have a plan. A plan to live, to grow, to learn, to build a solid foundation, one I can stand on without the worry of it fully crumbling beneath me. One to rely on, one that strings my life together, tightens the knots, beautiful blends of colors mending together in a way that finally means something. And yet, in thinking about it, in changing everything around me, in building that foundation, I feel /nothing/. No excitement. No hope. There’s some sort of barrier preventing it from meaning anything. And suddenly I find myself in the same place I’d left only moments before. Left with replenished hope, or with this dull emptiness that plagues me. I’m here again. And it’s all so desperately familiar and so wrong, and yet my mind fits so perfectly exactly where it is. Here, again. And as I manage to evade these lingering thoughts that keep me so close, even for a moment, they bring me back again. As if I’m searching for a release that simply doesn’t exist. And it does, I know it does. It has to. But god, I’m so tired. I’m so tired of this. In moments like these, I feel as if I was created for the sole purpose of staying exactly where I was placed. And as the world shifts around me, as I move up in life, as people grow, as they hate and lose, learn and love, as they find themselves, lose themselves, as they splatter those endless bouts of vivid colors upon a canvas of their own, as they live and die and come and go- I’m only meant to watch. I’m only meant to stay, right here, as it all plays out before me. And it’ll play. And until life strums it’s last note, and I breathe my last breath, and I’m broken so entirely I can break no longer, it’ll play. And I will stay exactly where I started.