Feeling Blue on Thanksgiving: A Venting Session

on holidays (especially more major ones), do you ever feel like you should be happier than you are cause it’s a holiday? like you’re wasting it, you’re not grateful, you should be happier right now, etc.? because i do. it’s thanksgiving today, and some more of my family is here (more than usual), and i feel like i should be happier to be spending time with them. but i just got pretty depressed fairly suddenly and picked at my face for a while and no one said anything or seemed to notice i was gone or anything. and like it’s not a big deal. and i don’t even think that’s mostly why i’m depressed. i don’t know why i am, though. sometimes i feel like i’m an annoyance to my family and stuff. kinda like i’m a burden. not just cause of my disorders and stuff, but just because of the person that i am. i feel like i’m so annoying and hypocritical and so much more. in like a bunch of ways. and i don’t even really know what my redeeming qualities are. i guess my self-esteem is pretty low right now. sometimes i wonder if i get upset for seemingly no reason/not much of a reason as like a self-destructive thing. idk. i hate how sensitive i am in like so many ways. it is awful. i’m not even excited for thanksgiving dinner. i just kinda feel like i’m a nuisance. the only thing i’m kinda looking forward to in the near future is being alone and i feel so bad about that. i just want to be home alone and watch youtube on the tv and do art or something. and i feel guilty about that. i should be happy and grateful about spending time with my grandparents and my sibling especially because i don’t see them that often cause they don’t live near me. and they’re not mean generally or anything like that. so why don’t i want to be near them right now?? ugh. i think part of my problem of not really wanting to fully be with my family is my adhd maybe? i think my short attention span and the fact that i generally need more stuff going on to be engaged in anything than most people, plus other things that aren’t necessarily caused by adhd might contribute to what i’m describing. i hope i’m making sense. i like holidays. i think. but i also think that i like always accidentally put subconscious pressure and expectations on myself to enjoy it fully which might not even be possible. i don’t know why i’m making this post. i don’t know what i want people to say. i guess i just wanted to vent? idk. thanks for reading i guess.