Living with Health Conditions: How They've Impacted My Life

Anxiety has made life more of a struggle for me especially with the fact I am transgender, even when i was 6-years-old i had anxiety and because of this i acted exactly like other to be perfect for my mother and to be likeable for other people. Like one time i was in school and this girl turned to me and started talking about how she got an injection and hiw she was terrified of needles and the next time i got an injection i started screaming and crying even tho i was a very calm child and wasnt afraid at all. Now i realise that just probably made it harder for my mother. I also always tried to be feminine and follow female standards until i was like 7 so i pretended i liked dresses and loved the colour pink and now im heavily dysphoric. So anxiety has heavily effected me sadly.

It's difficult to really HAVE a life. My body is always in physical pain, my mind makes everything in the world seem like a horrible suffering. Anytime I turn around it feels like there's a new problem I need to solve. Let alone the amount of financial struggle that absolutely cripples me, just so I can try to find some kind of solution and can have some semblance of a normal life.

anxiety is truly a battle for me. i'm unmedicated (i'm too anxious to try meds, how on brand), so i have to use a lot of distractions and certain mental chants to get by. i'm always afraid to try new things, speak to basically anybody whether that be in person or through text, can't even go outside without thinking the worst will happen. it makes me feel very alone, even in moments when i'm not. but i also think about anxiety as protection. my body cares for me so much that it wants me to be as safe and careful as possible. it's bittersweet to think about it that way. pcos wise, it gives me a bunch of annoying hair everywhere except where i want it (my scalp). i'm still learning how to get rid of acne on my chin and sideburns, but it's definitely improved since my initial diagnosis. some sharp pelvic pain too, but i've grown used to it over the years.

Anxiety has made my whole life harder. I don't have many friends because I'm too anxious to talk to people. I don't have a driver's license - not even a learner's permit - because I'm too anxious to take the test. I don't have a job because I'm so anxious about having another breakdown like I did at my last one. It has also given me useful skills. I'm anxious about going broke, so I'm very frugal and have a right budget. I'm anxious about getting jumped outside, so I make sure to stay alert when I'm alone. I'm anxious about destroying my romantic relationship, so I make sure to work through our problems. Those things can also be problems (not buying things I actually need out of anxiety, for example), but they do benefit my life.

For me there's nothing in my life anxiety hasn't affected. Dropped out of school after having to go to special classes for years, can't get a new job or go to college, can't hardly go to the store and I've been doing this for 13 years. I feel very alienated from people who can just kinda live the normal human experience.