Dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault

TW: SH, SA ******** My older brother sexually assaulted me throughout my life until I moved away in 2020. I found out he got arrested for CP and for what he did to me. But my stepdad told me yesterday that he’s only getting put on probation and a “suspended 6 year sentence” whatever the fuck that means. I feel disgusting. I wish he would be sent straight to prison. Why the fuck is he allowed to roam the streets like he isn’t a monster. And I don’t understand why I didn’t do anything. Why did I just lay there and let him touch my feet and spoon me and rub against me? Why didn’t I stop him? I knew it was wrong and I hated it. I feel disgusting. I hate myself. I want to cut. I want to make myself puke. I’m in therapy and on meds but it isn’t really helping. No one around me understands. I feel so alone.