Venting my depressive and intrusive thoughts

Warning for mention of suicidal ideation. Disclaimer I am not going to cause any harm to myself. I am just venting my depressive and intrusive thoughts out. Sometimes I find myself longing for a slow, horrible, and agonizing death. I feel like I deserve it for just being me. Just for existing the way I do. For who I used to be. I feel guilt for every slightly bad thing I do, even if the impact of it was little. I feel guilty for making accidental eye contact with people, I feel guilty for liking ans enjoying things that other people don't like. I feel guilty for giving poor advice. I want to die by my own hand.