How to Discuss Sexual Trauma with Your Partner During Sex

I’m with you. I haven’t had a partner since it happened a year ago.

My partner is the most kind amazing supportive listener especially when it comes to this area. Although I appreciate everyone’s advice when it comes to who is the best person to be with. The reason I feel I talk about it so much that there is a lot of anxiety and pressure and overthinking triggers is because we haven’t had sex yet so I am imagining all possible scenarios. To be honest he makes me feel really emotional safe and we do use safe words and I’ve said no or stop things over the phone (that is as far as we have gotten due to distance) so I know he will honor them when it comes down to it. But the actually physical act of having sex again after 2 years from my last traumatic sexual experience is a lot of pressure you know??

Always before, never during, unless I’m actively triggered. I know bringing it up is vulnerable and feels very scary, but the right partner will honor that. They will meet you at your comfort level and not ask you to move past it. you can talk about the kinds of things that make you feel good and really excited! You can also talk about things that happen during sex that make you uncomfy specifically. (Or generally as trauma allows) I like to bring up the good and the bad so it’s not all criticism. but your partner should be supportive and understanding that it is an enormous privilege to even have access to you sexually, given that you’re still healing and vulnerable rn. Please use safewords!!! Even if you’re not doing kink. You need an emergency stop and a safeword allows for that to happen. I have had the misfortune of engaging sexually without one and I have BIG regrets to say the least. PS. If it feels like you’re bringing this up constantly- it means someone isn’t listening… yeah, sexual assault triggers kind of are a mood killer- but they’re not as important as your well-being. Your comfort. Your safety. Idk maybe I’m off the mark here but it kind of sounds like he’s not giving this and you the appropriate amount of seriousness and respect that that conversation deserves. I do apologize if I’m projecting. Please be careful. put yourself first. Listen to what you need.

I like solarflares stop light system. I think most people only associate safe words with “kinky” sex but maybe everyone should have one!

safe words are so so important ! I use the stoplight system: green for go, yellow for slow down/pause and red for stop. and 3 taps if I can’t talk whether that be because of a gag or for trauma reasons. And it works well because if you’d partner is concerned they can just ask for a color and it won’t feel as invasive/judgmental. I often wait until after we’re out of the “sexual headspace” to specify why I wanted to stop or whatever just to keep my trauma and my current sexual experiences separate. also i’m a sex worker so i have a lot of experience in talking about and the complexities of sex if you have any further questions 😊

I don’t really have any tips for you but I wanted to say you’re not alone I have trouble talking with my partner about that too. Personally I would never try to have a conversation during (if i don’t feel comfortable before i won’t have sex) and even right before seems kinda sus to me. My advice would be to really take the time to get your thoughts/needs/wants together and have a deep, long conversation(s) so you can make them understand and really get on the same page way before “the mood” arises. if you can’t have a serious talk with your partner(s) about it then I think your body is telling you you’re not ready to have sex with them. Which is totally fine and valid!! To me triggered = no sex. a healthy partner should 100% understand that.