See Alike in...

Alike App

Browser

TaetaeRyn

657d

Okay this might sound like a weird question, but how do you feel guilt instead of shame? Obviously too much of either isn’t good, but a big problem I have is that when someone has a negative reaction to something I said or did, I immediately feel shame for making them feel that way. Since most of this shame is totally unwarranted, I think if I could turn it into guilt over my actions it would be easier to manage So do you have any tips on how to feel guilt over my actions rather than shame about who I am? Yeah, neither is a great place, but I have to start somewhere…

Top reply
    • dolphinblues

      650d

      I just have to say what all of you have written is very insightful and helpful!! I, like TaetaeRyn, have felt shame over guilt. I know it comes from my parents telling me things like "how dare you do that/say that/feel that way!". I am getting better at not feeling shame when someone shows displeasure about something I said or did. Especially when I know that what I did/said was not a mean or deliberately hurtful and I did it out of being my true self, not being who they want me to be. When growing up, I always adapted myself to whoever I was around. Meaning, I acted how they wanted me to. I never knew who I was, or wanted to be as a person, until my early 30's. And it was a fight to get my family to allow me to be me. I believe that shame is easier to reverse than guilt. I do not think that trying to exchange one for the other will help, because you still end up feeling crappy for something that is not your fault. You are not responsible for others actions. You have the right to be your true self. You have the right to ask for boundaries and for your needs to be met. You know how you intended what you did/said, you are not responsible for how they perceived it. Keep telling yourself "I am a good person and what I did/said was out of love and being my true self. I am not responsible for how they react. I deserve to set boundaries for my well being. I deserve others respect for those boundaries and for who I am." Look up Personal Bill of Rights. This is how I deal with my shame. It helps. I know it's not easy, but it will get better. 🫂

    • dolphinblues

      650d

      I just have to say what all of you have written is very insightful and helpful!! I, like TaetaeRyn, have felt shame over guilt. I know it comes from my parents telling me things like "how dare you do that/say that/feel that way!". I am getting better at not feeling shame when someone shows displeasure about something I said or did. Especially when I know that what I did/said was not a mean or deliberately hurtful and I did it out of being my true self, not being who they want me to be. When growing up, I always adapted myself to whoever I was around. Meaning, I acted how they wanted me to. I never knew who I was, or wanted to be as a person, until my early 30's. And it was a fight to get my family to allow me to be me. I believe that shame is easier to reverse than guilt. I do not think that trying to exchange one for the other will help, because you still end up feeling crappy for something that is not your fault. You are not responsible for others actions. You have the right to be your true self. You have the right to ask for boundaries and for your needs to be met. You know how you intended what you did/said, you are not responsible for how they perceived it. Keep telling yourself "I am a good person and what I did/said was out of love and being my true self. I am not responsible for how they react. I deserve to set boundaries for my well being. I deserve others respect for those boundaries and for who I am." Look up Personal Bill of Rights. This is how I deal with my shame. It helps. I know it's not easy, but it will get better. 🫂

    • KitKat1450

      655d

      Just want to say I love that you’re starting somewhere! Both of those are so hard. And yes I agree neither are optimal and you can’t go from negative to positive just like that. Disclaimer for below- this brought up a lot of thoughts for me and take what is useful and disregard what isn’t but I really hope you find what helps you heal🙏🏻 I would say try to make it really simple, like how would you try to explain the difference to a kid…. You are not bad, what you did was bad. Or just because you did something good/well doesn’t automatically mean you are good. I would say if you can connect to shame but not guilt, you actually might be farther along in the process than you think. It’s about letting compassion in, and if it’s that you’re only feeling shame, you identity is strongly tied to your behaviors but seems that you also realize you aren’t your behaviors and those thoughts that lead to shame may just be a coping/defense mechanism. I know this isn’t really what you were asking but my question back to you is why can you connect with shame and not guilt? When was the first time you remember feeling this or a memory that comes to mind? Also, I thought for a long time my guilt would protect me from doing something bad or hurting someone else so I would try to make myself feel more to produce a result and then realized what I was producing was self-hatred and that I can’t be myself but have to work to receive love. But at the time it served a purpose to protect me. So, what is your shame doing for you? What do you think if you could feel guilt it would do for you? And if you can get to that… is there a healthier way to get that purpose filled? Because it sounds like you’re willing to do the work and either way it’s going to take a lot of work. After all of that what I would suggest is trying to process it neutrally. Like when you feel that shame come in be like I’m not good or bad, I’m human, I’m me. Guilt is like revenge for yourself. That shit will eat you away (I don’t wish that on you) but you may need to experience that to get to the opposite. For me I would say I feel guilt when I act outside of what I know my true identity to be. My true identity has weaved in integrity so in times when I didn’t hold myself accountable for my actions I felt so much guilt but it was like “that wasn’t really me” I did that because this and this happened and I was trying to get this need met and I completely fucked up instead of thinking thru this clearly. But I would hold onto the guilt because I hated that I did a certain thing. Shame I feel when something is tied to my identity but most of the time, isn’t my true identity but something I’ve picked up throughout my life- for example my identity used to be in working hard and growing up in my family felt like I had to earn love so if I work hard I’m loved and when I couldn’t physically do that I felt shame that I couldn’t contribute, that im lazy, unproductive- all a huge hit to my self esteem and identity until I realized that’s what I do (did) not who I am. Ppl still love me even when I can’t work hard like I used to. My friend just love me for me. And those that me not being able to give as much is a problem only loved me conditionally and not even for who I really am and I had been treating myself like that my whole life. Like that sucks to realized. My next question is do you know who you truly are, what is your identity and what actions disrupt that from you living in alignment with who you really are? If you don’t know, that’s ok too. Use it as an invitation to figure it out and see what comes up.

      • TaetaeRyn

        651d

        @KitKat1450 thank you this was really helpful~ To answer a couple of your questions, my shame likely comes from my parents’ divorce at an early age, and how I felt I had to change who I was and what I felt around each of them. It actually seems to come up in the opposite way as yours does—instead of it coming up when I do something that’s actually inauthentic, it comes up when I do something authentic that I perceive as hurting someone. The problem is my threshold for “hurting someone” is way too low…even if someone isn’t as happy as they could be because of me (like if we did what I wanted to do instead of what they did) I feel shame. As for why I connect to shame and not guilt, I think it’s probably because deep down I know I’m not doing anything wrong. I have a feeling that when I was a kid, I reminded my dad of my mom too much and he’d take out those negative emotions on me, even if he didn’t mean to, which lead me to think that basically my existence is the problem. Like me having wants and desires like everyone else is actually just being a nuisance and getting in people’s way. Because of this, going back to your last question, I never really allowed myself to figure out who I was. And now that I’m trying to, I’m running into the obstacle of shame coming up every time someone has a slightly negative reaction to it. I think I’m similar to you in the way that I feel a lot of shame about changing who I am aka letting go of things that were never really me. My parents took pride in me being an easy, considerate, and talented child. I was mature for my age and they were proud of that, but it meant I kept pushing myself past my limit because I felt like I had to be better than everyone else in order for them to be proud of me. So now that I’m trying to go easier on myself I feel like I’m letting everyone down. How did you come to accept that people still love you despite not working as hard? That’s what I need to learn…

        • KitKat1450

          650d

          @TaetaeRyn that’s so insightful and I can relate to some of what you said so much even tho it’s seems like my feels come out differently than yours. I’m so sorry you’re struggling and also think it provides an amazing healing opportunity to find your needs and actually have them be met by not having to work for them or act a certain way… much easier said than done and that’s the hard part. But in a way I’m excited for you and that journey. For me to be able to get to where I am now in relation to all of this, I had to focus on certain connections and let them build me up when I couldn’t. My best friend is similar in that he grew up thinking he was the problem and had to earn love in a certain way. When we both met we were both on the same page of ok if I take on the responsibility for others then I can fix it and make others happy by sacrificing myself. Sounds noble but we just ended up using eachother as a life line until we realized that I am responsible for me and that’s it and that my job to someone else is just to be there and walk with them thru all the struggle, not take it on as my own and then drowned and have to have someone come save me now. So what that looks like for us is that we see each other and know the worst parts and still love and accept and believe that despite all of that we can do hard things. If one of us is going thru a hard time we listen and if advice is asked for we give it and if need a pep talk we give it. If I can’t get a hold of him, I think about what he’s tell me. Now I’ve done that so much that I can do that for myself because that trust with someone else has been built and now I do actually believe I can do hard things because for a while he was my safety net and I could take risks safely and increase my own self trust and confidence. I used to teach martial arts and the biggest thing for kids and adults was creating a safe place to take risks and it be ok to fail. Once they gained that confidence, they would do so outside of martial arts. Most people don’t get that at home. I didn’t… when I “failed” I was the black sheep and shunned and left to deal with my issues alone until I acted how my family wanted me to. That still happens occasionally but it’s not as damaging because I know they work in some dysfunction. But it almost felt safer for that to be ok when I first started this and even now when I’m exhausted because I know how to play that game- I act a certain way and shut down my wants and needs and bam I get love. But it doesn’t fill me. And with them I do feel shame for wanting more and having wants and needs because it feels like I’m asking them to step out of their comfort zone and accommodate. But that’s literally how a healthy family or relationship works- give and take evens out and provides strength to put yourself to the side at times but then also be important and have others sacrifice for you when needed. But what I’ve learned is that in a healthy relationship the sacrifice is so different. You’re gaining, rather than depleting from it. I’m still back and forth on that part considering I have a really hard time asking for help so the balance is still off. I just read something this morning that really fits this, it’s not about doing it right, it’s about doing it together. I’m here if you want to process more. And so you know you know, you bringing this up has actually really helped me process through some things and feel more connected. You having wants and needs has helped me. So thank you for bringing this to the table and helping me realize that about my own wants and needs🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

    • sixty

      657d

      Taetaeryn, I'm not a professional but I always feel guilty when I have bought s with depression and anxiety idk why I just do guilt can feel horrible, it does help me to keep telling myself that I have nothing to feel guilty about, I will even ask myself what have I done to feel guilty, most times I can't answer, just keep telling yourself that your a good person and you deserve a good and happy life, hope it helps I know guilt can be a miserable emotion.

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

Thank you! Your submission has been received!
Oops! Something went wrong while submitting the form.

Want to chat or share? Download the Alike app now and get complete access to Alike.health's unique features.

Find people who are
experiencing a similar
medical reality

100% Free
100%
Free

Download Alike for the full experience

JOIN

View All

Bupropion

night sweats

paranoid

Valium

sertraline

palpitations

Anxiety (Including GAD)

Depression

palpitations

Depression

Valium

Bupropion