How to turn shame into guilt?

I just have to say what all of you have written is very insightful and helpful!! I, like TaetaeRyn, have felt shame over guilt. I know it comes from my parents telling me things like "how dare you do that/say that/feel that way!". I am getting better at not feeling shame when someone shows displeasure about something I said or did. Especially when I know that what I did/said was not a mean or deliberately hurtful and I did it out of being my true self, not being who they want me to be. When growing up, I always adapted myself to whoever I was around. Meaning, I acted how they wanted me to. I never knew who I was, or wanted to be as a person, until my early 30's. And it was a fight to get my family to allow me to be me. I believe that shame is easier to reverse than guilt. I do not think that trying to exchange one for the other will help, because you still end up feeling crappy for something that is not your fault. You are not responsible for others actions. You have the right to be your true self. You have the right to ask for boundaries and for your needs to be met. You know how you intended what you did/said, you are not responsible for how they perceived it. Keep telling yourself "I am a good person and what I did/said was out of love and being my true self. I am not responsible for how they react. I deserve to set boundaries for my well being. I deserve others respect for those boundaries and for who I am." Look up Personal Bill of Rights. This is how I deal with my shame. It helps. I know it's not easy, but it will get better. 🫂

Just want to say I love that you’re starting somewhere! Both of those are so hard. And yes I agree neither are optimal and you can’t go from negative to positive just like that. Disclaimer for below- this brought up a lot of thoughts for me and take what is useful and disregard what isn’t but I really hope you find what helps you heal🙏🏻 I would say try to make it really simple, like how would you try to explain the difference to a kid…. You are not bad, what you did was bad. Or just because you did something good/well doesn’t automatically mean you are good. I would say if you can connect to shame but not guilt, you actually might be farther along in the process than you think. It’s about letting compassion in, and if it’s that you’re only feeling shame, you identity is strongly tied to your behaviors but seems that you also realize you aren’t your behaviors and those thoughts that lead to shame may just be a coping/defense mechanism. I know this isn’t really what you were asking but my question back to you is why can you connect with shame and not guilt? When was the first time you remember feeling this or a memory that comes to mind? Also, I thought for a long time my guilt would protect me from doing something bad or hurting someone else so I would try to make myself feel more to produce a result and then realized what I was producing was self-hatred and that I can’t be myself but have to work to receive love. But at the time it served a purpose to protect me. So, what is your shame doing for you? What do you think if you could feel guilt it would do for you? And if you can get to that… is there a healthier way to get that purpose filled? Because it sounds like you’re willing to do the work and either way it’s going to take a lot of work. After all of that what I would suggest is trying to process it neutrally. Like when you feel that shame come in be like I’m not good or bad, I’m human, I’m me. Guilt is like revenge for yourself. That shit will eat you away (I don’t wish that on you) but you may need to experience that to get to the opposite. For me I would say I feel guilt when I act outside of what I know my true identity to be. My true identity has weaved in integrity so in times when I didn’t hold myself accountable for my actions I felt so much guilt but it was like “that wasn’t really me” I did that because this and this happened and I was trying to get this need met and I completely fucked up instead of thinking thru this clearly. But I would hold onto the guilt because I hated that I did a certain thing. Shame I feel when something is tied to my identity but most of the time, isn’t my true identity but something I’ve picked up throughout my life- for example my identity used to be in working hard and growing up in my family felt like I had to earn love so if I work hard I’m loved and when I couldn’t physically do that I felt shame that I couldn’t contribute, that im lazy, unproductive- all a huge hit to my self esteem and identity until I realized that’s what I do (did) not who I am. Ppl still love me even when I can’t work hard like I used to. My friend just love me for me. And those that me not being able to give as much is a problem only loved me conditionally and not even for who I really am and I had been treating myself like that my whole life. Like that sucks to realized. My next question is do you know who you truly are, what is your identity and what actions disrupt that from you living in alignment with who you really are? If you don’t know, that’s ok too. Use it as an invitation to figure it out and see what comes up.

Taetaeryn, I'm not a professional but I always feel guilty when I have bought s with depression and anxiety idk why I just do guilt can feel horrible, it does help me to keep telling myself that I have nothing to feel guilty about, I will even ask myself what have I done to feel guilty, most times I can't answer, just keep telling yourself that your a good person and you deserve a good and happy life, hope it helps I know guilt can be a miserable emotion.