Struggling with Relapse into Eating Disorder

TW for: s/h, s/a, r*pe, purging, etc. how do you guys cope with relapsing into an eating disorder? just 6 months ago, i had to break out of my cycle of binging, purging, and then hurting myself every night. it was so bad i couldn't eat at all. and recently i checked my weight - im 152.4 (im also 5'7) and did all this BMI calculating. I've now made a journal/diary where i track my everyday meals/calorie intake, how much i weigh, and how it measures up to my bmi, and what my goals are. my goal is to me 118, so im not underweight but im not in the middle either in accordance to the bmi scale. i went over 48 hours without eating and finally allowed myself a meal tonight (it was about 2,500 calories altogether and i almost threw up out of anxiety/guilt). im also struggling to not self harm again, so im finding other ways subconsciously. like not allowing myself to sit down and rest (i have to walk w a cane and have horrible physical pain constantly), not letting myself drink a lot of water, not talking to people about whats wrong, not talking to people AT ALL. im struggling so bad rn. i havent mentioned this to anyone and its been reaching the tipping point for almost weeks now. i dont know what to do or how to talk about it or how to pull myself out. i just want to hurt myself and then wallow in the guilt of it till it eats me alive. any advice? tips? anything at all at this point