Struggling with the Transition to College and Feeling Lost

Dear no one, I truly have no one in my life that will help me with this big change from high school to college and the one person that did is no longer with us. I wish i could be more like my grandma… it’s been a few years and everytime it hits december, i feel this wave of loneliness and not having my life together. My grandma was hard. She’s was your typical blank christian that cared a lot about church and making sure we were doing well in life. She was my other mom since my father was absent and a groomer. She had her life together and worked very hard and accomplished so much. I wish my last words could have been kinder, but i cannot take them back. Without her to keep out home in ordered, everything and everyone is out of place. My mom can be great, but there is so many things i don’t think she gets. I’m 19 without a drivers license, never had a job still to this day, no credit card, no understanding of finical aid or taxes, nothing. Every time i ask for that, she’s says okay and then forgets about it. I don’t want to blame her, but i can’t do this alone. I can’t even eat a decent meal while she goes and buys food for herself, my brothers dad and my brother, while her first 3 children have to figure out what they can make with no cooking experience since we’ve never been taught. I’ve come to the point to try anorexia since there is nothing to eat anyways and i want to lose weight, but i don’t want to backtrack. I don’t know how to do this alone with no one but myself… My life is only at the beginning and i’m struggling so hard. I don’t know how to adult on my own and figure it out since I don’t think i can depend on my mother for help. I feel lost, but i truly don’t want to give up. At least my first semester in college was good.