I totally relate to this! When I was a kid, a lot of my energy went to trying to make others happy, so much that I myself was never happy. Of course I never made them happy anyways, because they wanted me to be "normal" and perceived me as self-centered because I didn't need to talk as much as them. Now, when I try to think of the million ways other people can react to what I say, I start to feel like nothing is real because their reactions never felt real to me simply because it was illogical for that way. (And yes, I often feel like a Vulcan because my own emotions just lay in the background for the most part.)

Hi Cribsy, Derealization is a big part of BPD speaking personally of course. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching myself in a movie and everything is fake and I feel detached from reality or disassociate quite a bit. I literally lost a whole day this week due to my disorder and don't recall the day happening until I look back. I have been told I'm obsessed or extra and only think of myself but that's not true at all. I love so hard and put everyone before myself but I also realize I have to consider me if no one else will. I don't calm that selfish I call it self preservation.